Just recently, Americans celebrated the two-year anniversary of a Supreme Court decision that changed the way we look at money in politics and liberated a horrifically oppressed group, finally giving them the rights that they deserve. Citizens United v. Federal Election Commission was decided in a 5-4 vote along party lines (you know, like every SCOTUS decision nowadays), declaring that for the purposes of free speech corporations are, in fact, equal to human beings and should therefore have the First Amendment right to practice their free speech by dumping as much money as they like into elections in an unfettered orgy of capitalist politics. The people cheered – at last those poor, underserved corporations were getting the freedoms that they so richly deserved. Mitt Romney, who knows a little bit about huge sums of money and the makeup of corporations, famously quipped “Corporations are people too, my friend”. It was a heady time.
There were, of course, a few unruly liberal whackjobs who were strongly offended by the concept that a corporation is equal to a human being. I, friends, am one of those wackjobs. So in the spirit of figuring out just where the difference lies between living, breathing homo sapiens sapiens and enormous faceless entities whose sole purpose is making money, I offer the following treatise on precisely why corporations are not humans, and if they were, we would have to radically rethink how corporations are treated by the law.
I sincerely doubt that most of you are keeping up on the 
