“How lovely to be a woman/The wait was well worth while;
How lovely to wear mascara/And smile a woman’s smile.”
Fulfilling a promise I made months ago. You’re welcome, dad.
Parents just don’t understand.
New contributor Tim Collingwood also has a problem with Mitt.
You know what, Mitt? Fuck you. Just…fuck you.
Talking to women is hard, I’m here to help.
This is possibly the straw that broke the camel’s back.
A lot of people have recommended Bobcat Goldthwait (yes, that Bobcat Goldthwait)’s new movie God Bless America to me for reasons that will be completely evident after you’ve watched the trailer below.
Sometimes, you decide that the best way to celebrate a long weekend is to spend Sunday night gorging yourselves on delicious food and pretending like you’re going to play games. Because really you will get to the games you just have to eat this morbier and this sorbet is amazing and damn we need to make a cocktail to celebrate this shit. Luckily, you have a resident booze master who will take all of your ideas and shake them up into something with a silly name. Thus the New Elder Wood is born.
Okay, first of all just shut up. Yes, the cranky old woman is back. But, guess what? If you spent even 2 minutes listening to or watching part of Squint Eastwood’s conversation with a damn chair, you can spend 5 minutes reading this. Remember, everything I have to tell you is for the good of the future of our nation; this nation that is failing us by the minute whilst you all stand by playing with your electronic opiates and ignoring the fact that you’ve been robbed of even a mediocre education.
Today is the day we celebrate hard work by not going to work. Because FUCK YEAH AMERICA! We could have taken this opportunity to write a screed about the importance of unions in shaping the many crucial protections and conveniences we now enjoy in the workplace, but that would be an effort, and there’s beer to be drunk and barbecue to enjoy, so instead here are a lot of pictures of various things giving birth.
Labor Day, get it?
…it doesn’t get any better from here.
Man, the Republican National Convention this week was a tough one. It was nearly impossible to watch without losing your goddamned mind at all the hypocrisy, jingoism and outright lies. At least, that’s what I’ve heard. I didn’t watch that shit, because I enjoy what tiny scrap of sanity I have left. Here are the top ten things I did this week instead of watching the festival of mendacity (ooh, ten-dollar word!) that made me happier than if I had watched it.
Ok, look: political campaigns run on lies. This is neither new nor surprising. And presidential campaigns are the lyingest of all, the Grand Imperial Wizard of falsehood machines. So we expect that campaigns are going to run some untruths. But usually they try to have a veneer of truth, or at least some miniscule sense of shame when they run an attack ad based entirely on blatantly, provably false statements. But the Romney campaign has taken a bold new step in how these things work. These visionaries spit in truth’s eye and told it never to show its ugly face again around these parts. And they aren’t even trying to hide it.
“Fact-checkers come to this with their own sets of thoughts and beliefs and you know what? We’re not going let our campaign be dictated by fact-checkers.”
Dear Jackass, Is it bad to think that i dont want a baby because it will turn out ugly just like me?
Sincerely,
Maternity Ward
The summer is nearing its end, and soon the fall will be upon us, the time when good music is released. There’s a pretty spectacular lineup of new stuff headed our way in the coming months, and I wanted to point out its glory to you all so that you might bask in its warm, delicious glow.
It’s been an exciting month for rape enthusiasts. First, Daniel Tosh made a scorchingly hilarious joke at the expense of a heckler in which he said – you can’t make this shit up – “Wouldn’t it be funny if that girl got raped by, like, five guys right now? Like right now?” I, for one, am in tears! Then this weekend, in case you haven’t seen any news at all or been on Facebook or even come close to a human being with a conscience since then, Rep. Todd Akin of Missouri (who is currently running to unseat Senator Claire McCaskill) made the following purely scientific and not at all fuckwitted statement:
If it’s a legitimate rape, the female body has ways to try to shut that whole thing down.
So that happened.
Look, internet. It is not the fault of the rarely-sober staff at this two-bit website that you KEEP COMING BACK FOR MORE. As the individuals responsible for the societal failure that is Fatal Downflaw, we raise our glasses to you, internet-ers, and we drink. And then we continue to drink to kill the pain. Still, the fact remains that you are here, and you’re reading this, so on with the show, wherein we look – once again – at the dirty laundry of the goings-on at One Downflaw Plaza and try to figure out how the staff can best monetize your suffering.
Our vehicle of examination will be – as always – the grand chariot that is the Fatal Downflaw Google Analytics Account; which never fails to remind us how many of you jerks are using adblock pro. To you, we say, “congratulations” and also “please give Andy money that he can use to put gas in the ice cream truck that he’ll have to go back to driving because you shining examples of humanity insisted on depriving him of his only other revenue source”. But if you cared, you would have already mailed us money, or sent a birthday card, or if nothing else, paid for adult education so we can make something of ourselves. But as none of those things have happened, we can define the author to audience relationship pretty accurately; we know where we stand with you people. That’s right; “you people”.
