Dear Jackass,
I’m 14 and my friends say I flirt with everyone but that’s how I am with girls too (I’m straight!!!). That’s just my personality! I didn’t realize I flirt with people, but they say that I always do. Is it because I have lots of guy friends and stuff? I mean I guess I like grab peoples waists or like playfully hit them maybe mess up their hair (rarely) but that’s like the only thing physically that would be flirting. I tease people, make jokes, and laugh a lot but idk. Why do people say this? Does it sound like I flirt? I don’t mean to.
Kisses,
Just Friendly
Dear Justine,
Look, I’m really flattered that you wrote to me. I appreciate your attention and you seem like a nice enough girl and all, but I have a girlfriend and we’re very happy. I mean, if I wasn’t already taken I would totally love to hang 
out. Timing’s a bitch, isn’t it Justine? I mean, if we’d met two years earlier I would be single and you would be twelve – imagine the times we could have had! But we missed our chance, and it’s best not to dwell on it; we’ll only drive ourselves mad thinking about what could have been. God, we really could have been something, Justine. My stunning good looks and your youthful charm, walking hand-in-hand on the beach. I could help you do your pre-algebra homework and you could make me forget how the world has beaten me down over my thirty-some-odd years. They wouldn’t understand us, they’d try to tear us apart, they’d call our love “wrong” and “statutory rape”, but we’d know the truth: love knows no age. We would wile away the hours cradled in each other’s arms, you regaling me with the latest news about Justin Bieber and me giving you sage advice on surviving puberty. It would have been beautiful, Justine, but it simply wasn’t meant to be.
I’ll tell you what, though: let me talk to my girlfriend. We’ve had a few discussions about bringing home another woman, and you might make a perfect Nabakovian addition to our happy home.
Hang on, there’s someone at the door…
…oh shit.
Ask a Jackass is a regular feature allowing the reader to write in to request bad advice on all of their pressing life issues. To submit a question, write to askajackass@fataldownflaw.com.
Aaaaaaaaand now I need another shower. Thanks.
To be perfectly honest, I wasn’t even sure I was willing to publish this one. But it was too terrible to keep to myself.
ummm… no, i don’t know who that guy is… and i really want to be in on the big joke…
I find it impossible to believe that you are the only person on earth who has never seen To Catch a Predator.