Dear Jackass,
How can i stand out and make everyone like me? Well ya see, I am going to cheer leading camp and I would like to stand out and make/ get all the leaders to like me, and I would just like to seem like the rally nice girl who also has talents.
Thanks!!
Dead Behind the Eyes
Dear Deidre,
This is the sort of question we in the advice business see all the time. Everyone wants to know how to make people like them. What so few realize is that that very attitude is the base cause of people not liking you. People who want to be liked are fucking irritating. It’s the people who wouldn’t piss on you if you were on fire that people find fascinating. Take Charlie Sheen. He’s about the worst human being on the planet and made it pretty crystal clear that he couldn’t give half a fuck about anyone but himself, and America just couldn’t get enough of him!
So my suggestion is to emulate Mr. Sheen. You’ll need to prep this a bit before you get to camp. First, go out and buy a lot of cocaine. Start doing lines a few weeks in advance of camp starting, because you’re going to be a goddamned mess when you first try it, and you also want to give yourself the maximum possible time to get nice and strung out before you have to present yourself to your new-besties-to-be. Take up chain smoking, and start sleeping around as much as you can. Maybe try to get pregnant or, if you want to go in for real notoriety, make it very public knowledge that you don’t want to get pregnant, so you only do anal. When that magical time comes and your parents pull away from camp leaving you alone for the week to socialize, start off with a bang. I might suggest something really high-profile like taking a shit on one of the tables in the dining hall, or immediately trying to seduce the mousiest girl in the camp. When the other girls start approaching you to make friends, don’t give in quite yet! Tell each and every one of them to go get fucked, call them ugly dykes and maybe cut a few up a little bit. Pretty soon, the whole camp will be eating out of your hand.
Enjoy your new, busy social life, Deidre. You’ve earned it!
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