Dear Jackass,
I am a vegetarian, and my friend who is omnivorous says that she would want to convert to vegetarianism because she doesn’t approve the animal cruelty in the meat industry, but doesn’t see the point since her not eating meat wouldn’t directly save these animals. What should i say to convince her?
Sincerely,
Iron Deficiency
Dear Ron,
There is nothing you can say that will persuade your friend. That is because your worldview is wrong. Humans are omnivorous creatures. That’s why we have those sharp teeth in the front ( for the rending and tearing of flesh) and the flat-topped teeth in the back (for grinding up flesh). And why would evolution (or whatever dopey excuse for a guiding hand you might believe in) prepare us so thoroughly for eating meat? Because meat is delicious. It is a scientifically proven fact that societies without bacon aren’t actually societies, but rather a conglomeration of largely humanoid beings whose entire existence is utterly meaningless. This is science, Ron, you can’t argue with it. I think your question would be better stated thusly: “What can my clearly vastly superior friend say to convince me that vegetarianism is stupid and wrong, and sausage is the best thing the universe has to offer?” And I would answer your question “Your answer, Ron, is contained in your question. Barbecue vobiscum.”
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mmmmmmmm… bacon… and sausage… and bacon-wrapped sausage…