Dear Jackass,
What is good about being atheist or agnostic?
Just curious…
Sincerely,
Agnostic Front
Dear Angie,
There are a lot of great things about being an atheist – no tithing, Sunday mornings off, having no problem at all with acknowledging that Christian Rock is the worst music ever forced upon an unsuspecting and ill-prepared population – but for me, the best thing about my atheism is the complete lack of guilt I feel when I do something that the religious folk say is bad. I can eat meat all throughout Lent and never think once about it. I can masturbate a hundred times a day without a shred of compunction. In theory. I can – and do – covet ALL of my neighbors’ asses. It’s this total lack of accountability that makes atheism the thorough delight that it is.
Some may say, “But Jackass, aren’t you sad that you won’t get to live forever in the kingdom of heaven?”
And I say: nope.
I see it this way: if heaven is better than premarital sex, it’s probably too good for me anyway. Plus, if it’s true that people like Jerry Falwell and Joel Osteen are going to be there, I have no desire to go. I don’t want to spend eternity with those boring, self-righteous fucks.
Being an atheist means never having to say “I’m sorry…baby Jesus”. Sure, you’ve still got to have some respect for societal morays, but the great thing about those is that they’re societal. When the Fatal Downflaw staff finally get that check in from the Nigerian lottery we apparently won last month, I can go buy my own piece of jungle hell somewhere in the DRC and create a society in which the murder and cannibalism of irritating television commercial actors is not only acceptable, but encouraged.
Honestly, Angie, I would turn the question back on you: what’s so great about being religious? Is it the constant feeling of superiority? Is it the ability to condemn anyone who disagrees with you to eternal suffering? Is it the ability to blame everything bad that happens in your life on someone else? Because Angie, I’m going to let you in on a little secret here – I’ve got all of that in spades without having to wake up early on Sunday to go listen to some asshat lecture me about how all the gays should be rounded up in camps and killed.
So enjoy your god, suckers, because the Jackass is doing just fine without him. You ask me what’s good about being an atheist? Well, short answer: everything.
Ask a Jackass is a regular feature allowing the reader to write in to request bad advice on all of their pressing life issues. To submit a question, write to askajackass@fataldownflaw.com.
apparently a new plan has been made regarding Coupon Suzy without consulting me…