Ask a Jackass: Purity

Dear Jackass,

I am a 20 year old guy and my girlfriend is a 16 year old girl. I’m not with her for sex & I really want to buy her a purity ring to show her that. I love her for her and would never do anything sexual with her since she’s underage. Would it be okay for me to buy her a purity ring?

Sincerely,

Chuck Chastity

Dear Fuck Chastity,

First, allow me to tip my hat to you, sir. You’re a 20-year-old man dating a 16-year-old girl and you’ve made it exceptionally clear that you don’t want to fuck her. It is entirely possible that you are the only heterosexual male in history to ever have this unique condition, and I sincerely hope that when you die you have your brain preserved so that purity science can examine it and find out just what the fuck is wrong with you.

If you’ve got your mind set on not having sex with a tender, nubile underage girl, then I think you’re heading in the right direction here with your purity ring. I understand the concept really took off when the Jonas Brothers started wearing them, and where the Jonases go, so go teenagers five years ago.There are, however, a few things you need to be sure you’re doing correctly, and a few suggestions I will offer at the end as well.

The most important detail that you’ve not really elucidated is whether you’re buying one purity ring or two. You have said that you would “never do anything sexual with her” (if I may quote His Purple Majesty here, Fuck, “Forever is a mighty long time”), but what you’ve very cleverly left open is the possibility of doing something sexual with someone else while she maintains her virginal purity. This is clearly your best option, since you’re not the minor here. Get that ring on her finger, make her swear to remain pure and clean, then go work your needs out on someone more your age. And on her eighteenth birthday, feel free to bang her eight ways from Sunday.

But why stop at a purity ring? I mean, it’s a start if you trust her, but I’m sure you’re familiar with the bible since you’re so dead set against premarital sex, and if the bible teaches us one thing, it’s that God hates fags. If it teaches us two things, though, the second would definitely be that women are lying, conniving whores. A ring might slow her down, but it’s not going to stop her if she gets the urge to fornicate. You need to put that twat on lockdown. I’m talking full-on chastity belt, Fuck, humankind’s last great invention. You might even look into that female castration I’ve heard so much about from those whining little pussies at Amnesty International, but I’m pretty sure that’s irreversible, and she’s not going to be underage forever.

Before I let you go, though, let me go out on a limb and suggest something a little controversial but also – in my opinion – very effective. Everyone knows that virginity is limited to the penis penetrating the vagina, this is just clear scientific fact. So rather than the restrictive confines of a purity ring, why not buy her a “just in the butt” ring instead? It allows some flexibility (and requires some flexibility too – BOOM!) while technically still keeping her a virgin and therefore pure in the eyes of God. I hear that this is a pretty popular strategy at Catholic junior high schools, and if there’s anyone who knows about bending the rules to have sex but keep it within the technicalities of their beliefs, it’s the Catholics.

Whatever you choose, I wish you the best of luck. I sincerely hope it works out for you, and that your girlfriend doesn’t see you for the domineering religious nut that you are.

Ask a Jackass is a regular feature allowing the reader to write in to request bad advice on all of their pressing life issues. To submit a question, write to askajackass@fataldownflaw.com.