Dear Jackass,
I feel alone, like no one understands me?
And no, I’m not speaking of the typical, romanticized emo version of this. I really do feel like there’s no one out there like me, that has the same thought processes as me, and way of seeing this world, like I’m alone in this world, surrounded by people that are different than me in every way.
Sincerely,
Abner Normal
Dear Abby,
The fact of the matter is that you are, in fact, alone in this world. If you feel different and ostracized, that’s because you’re a freak and you should probably go ahead and get used to it since, contrary to every movie made in the 1980s, the weirdos never fit in. NEVER.
But there are a few ways to turn your strange, unlovable personality traits to your advantage. For instance, start wearing a trench coat. Perhaps develop a fascination with firearms and violent Japanese movies. Learn to build pipe bombs. If the rabble don’t understand you, the least they can do is fear you. Mistrust is its own sort of acceptance, Abby, and like regular acceptance it must be carefully cultivated. You must take the grain of nihilism you feel now and nurture it, bonsai-like, until it becomes a beautiful and meditative work of psychotic art. If you are of a literary ilk, may I suggest writing a few manifestos? The manifesto is a perfect way to alienate yourself from mainstream society while simultaneously building your Columbine cred. If writing isn’t your thing, consider making a series of reflective YouTube videos where you pour out your heart and soul about how nobody understands you, but some day they will all know your name. Yes…some day they will all feel the pain that roils inside you like week-old cholay, tearing you up from your very intestines until it explodes from your body in a geyser of…well…I guess the metaphor starts to fall apart a little here, but you get the picture.
Once you’ve established your reputation as a lone-wolf lunatic who is liable to bring a backpack full of weapons into a public gathering, you have a few options. Let me be very explicit about one thing, though: DO NOT ACTUALLY KILL PEOPLE. That’s only playing into the stereotype the rest of the world (who, of course, don’t understand you) want to put upon you. Don’t be who The Man wants you to be, Abby. Don’t let them compartmentalize you.
That said, your first option is to do absolutely nothing. I mean, just sit there and fester in your hate. The advantages of this plan are twofold: first, you don’t commit suicide by cop. Second, it makes everyone else really look like tools for being so jumpy around you all the time. Perhaps save a few kittens from trees, help old ladies across the street (in a menacing way, of course), or take up a hobby like raising orchids.
Your second option is to kill yourself in a spectacular fashion. I mean, something that will make the news all around the world, be immortalized in YouTube videos and forever grace the “gore” threads on 4Chan. Don’t pussy out and take pills or cut your wrists. If you want to be loved by a world that currently couldn’t give less of a fuck whether you were ever born, you need to go out like a champ. A good starting point: superku. Superku was conceived by friends of The Jackass and is about as good a self-inflicted death as one could hope for: the ancient Japanese custom of self-murder for honor, but done with a flaming chainsaw. If you’re too squeamish or short-armed for such a spectacular suicide, may I suggest angering a very large and violent animal? Perhaps one in a zoo. I hear those fences around the badger enclosure are easily scaled, and nobody with the power to stop you is really going to be paying that much attention during the early afternoon rush anyway.
The bottom line, Abby, is that you have a wealth of options at your disposal, so instead of sitting around crying on the internet about how nobody understands you, perhaps you should suck it up, get out there, and make them fucking pay.
Ask a Jackass is a regular feature allowing the reader to write in to request bad advice on all of their pressing life issues. To submit a question, write toaskajackass@fataldownflaw.com.
