Ask A Jackass: Ugly Babies

Ask a Jackass Dear Jackass, Is it bad to think that i dont want a baby because it will turn out ugly just like me?

Sincerely,

Maternity Ward

Honestly, yes Ward. You are a soulless husk of a woman who clearly values your own perceived ugliness over your duty as a uterus carrier to spread your horrible genetics into future generations. I mean, I get that perhaps your humpback and hypertrichosis make your gene pool a little riskier than most but don’t let that stop you. Reproduction is the ultimate expression of ego. I’m not going to say that women were only put on this Earth to bear children but we all know they aren’t here for their brains.

Besides, we all know that babies are always adorable.

Their soft skulls and wrinkled faces are exactly the level of adorable that makes us love homeless vets so much.

A cursory glance at the history of western art teaches us exactly how important precious babies are. Whole industries have been built around exploiting our society’s hunger for fresh baby flesh. Who are you to deny them what they want? If your spawn comes out truly hateful, you can always blame the father.

 

 


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About Sarah Kunchik

Sarah's favorite things include Bowie, bourbon and bacon. She has an irrational hatred of El Caminos and a completely rational hatred of mayonnaise.