As a human being who is both extremely attractive and the owner of girl parts I am frequently the object of flirtation, some of it flattering and some of it…less so. The thing that I’ve learned is that dudes have some really perplexing ideas about how to talk to women. I decided that the kind thing to do, kinder than texting my best friend saying “dude, this seriously just happened” which I probably already did, would be to reach out to all the dudes of the internet and let them know that it’s ok to be nervous in the face of statuesque beauty such as mine but there are really better ways to handle it than mumbling something about cats and asking for my number.
The first step in wooing a lady is to pick the right time to approach her. For example, say you’re at a concert. Always remember that the woman waiting in line for the bathroom will be much less receptive to your charm than, say, one that is clearly enjoying the band that is playing. In fact, if you see a girl and she’s right in front of the stage, singing along and looking like she has maybe waited 8 years to see this band that rarely tours you should absolutely walk right up to her and start making small talk. She will be deeply interested in everything you have to say. Lead with something like-
“You like Firewater huh? I never heard of them before but my buddy says they’re great.”
Do not mistake her glare and stony silence as a lack of interest. Really.
The grocery store is an often overlooked lady meeting destination but if you think about it, it’s pretty ideal. So many opportunities to bump carts, the chance to see if you have similar tastes in cereal and as a bonus everybody always looks their best when they’re running out to pick up a couple things for dinner. Say you notice someone when they first walk in to the store, you don’t want to say something right away because you want the peaceful sound of squeaky shopping cart wheel to relax her before you make your move. Give her a few aisles to get what she needs and pop up to surprise her. You notice she’s wearing a wrist brace, this gives you a perfect starting point, try something like-
You- “So, you type a lot?”
Her- “Yeah. Well I do but this is from a fall.”
You- “Oh….Hey you got a number I can call you at? You just real beautiful.”
The smoothness of the segue is really what makes this an excellent example. Adding a compliment to your request helps her understand that you are a person with feelings. Now there is the chance that she will say she has a boyfriend, do not let this dissuade you. Just switch it up and see if there’s another way you could help her out. Something like-
Her- “I’m sorry man, I’ve got a boyfriend.”
You- “Well, do you need a girlfriend too? I just thought I’d ask, we are in Lakewood after all.”
That curveball is guaranteed to be one she’s never heard before.
Have you ever thought about the gas station?
It’s the ideal location for a quick maneuver. You only have the time it takes to fill the tank so you have to think fast and make bold choices. In this case starting with a compliment is wise because there’s just no time for chit-chat. Try something like-
You- “Your hair is so pretty. What is that auburn? Woowee auburn hair in the sunlight, that’s nice.”
Her- “Oh thank you!”
You- “Aw you gigglin, You’re a giggler aren’t you? And look at that smile, beautiful!”
Her- “That is very nice of you, thank you.”
Things are going well, she’s smiling, you’re killing it. Now is the time to step it up. Remember, you only have until the tank is full. Make your next move bold. Go for something like-
You- “Hey, pretty auburn hair girl, how about you give me a hug.”
Her- “um no I don’t think-“
You- “Come on, just a little hug, a little squeeze. I won’t bite, I promise.”
Now, at this point she may look uncomfortable and rush to get into her car and leave. Which is weird considering how well you were doing and you only asked for a hug, From a stranger. At a gas station. Which is in no way the beginning of any horror movie ever.
Now go forth awkward men of the internet. Chat up all the pretty girls. Get all of the numbers that are probably not all 867-5309. You’re welcome.
