So, you’re arrived at Fatal Downflaw looking for something horrible on the internet. We’re pleased that you’ve found us; we appreciate your patronage. But just what brings you here – other than our constant badgering on the social network of your choice, that is? It’s time for another foray into the darkness that is the back end of Fatal Downflaw. Which is even dirtier than it sounds.
…Of this you can be certain.
As always, this post is brought to you by the official Fatal Downflaw Google Analytics account, which clearly shows us that you are failing to demonstrate your love for this site by clicking on our ads.
Greatest Hits
Some articles here have spurred political action, others have been prodigiously over-shared, and some have popularity that continues to mystify us. Still, the ongoing popularity of the search terms “Why u no” and “Why u” continue to send a disproportionally large amount of people to Fatal Downflaw. Specifically, to our Happy 4th of July 2011 article. Keep coming; the joke’s on you, suckers; we hope you like our favorite patriotic parody porn movie as much as we do. Once you see the poster for InRearEndence Day, you can’t ever un-see it. Ideally our traffic from this search term will increase; it’s so easy that it’s like catching flies with honey.
Filthy, disgusting, D-grade low budget gimmick porno, masquerading as honey.
Other meme-tastic traps leading victims into the inescapable quicksand-like morass that is Fatal Downflaw include all the things, cats and racks, and boom headshot.
Then there are the twin Saint Kristens of hilarity, both of whom are hilarious. The first, see, is a horse, which is the funniest thing humans have created. The other teaches sign language that is dirtier than a conversation with Sarah Kunchik while she is at work. It is really impossible to explain how wretchedly wrong a phone call with Sarah can be while she is working, but the details probably merit their own post… which in itself would be totally NSFW. You see the downward spiral already. Anyway we’re flattered and thrilled that you visit us looking for them. But if you haven’t visited them on the internet or liked them on facebook or whatever, stop messing up.
No small number of hits from people searching out Rick Santorum’s Economic Plan, either. Ok, seriously, if you come to Fatal Downflaw looking for information on what the frothy one is going to do with your money, then you have earned a bath in one of Andy’s most epic political rants ever published. Ironically, Andy’s breakdown of the aforementioned Santorama is probably the most accurate analysis of this idiocy that’s been published to date. One could almost feel sorry for Mitt Romney, having to compete against this kind of crazy.
Least-Good Hits
Some search terms are used be comparatively few likely-unsuspecting Fatal Downflaw visitors, but are worthy of recognition based not on quantity, but rather quality. And some of the things that bring people to this website are the dumb in so many ways.
- jackasses planking
- Fatal Downflaw: The internet’s number one source for planking jackasses.
- qream purchase
- If you still want to buy this substance after reading our analysis, um, go ahead.
- goetta chilito recipe
- I hope our experience at the 2011 Goetta Fest convinced you this was a bad idea, pal.
- wine tastes like burbon
- 1.No it doesn’t. 2. the assumption here is that you meant bourbon?
- plastic cup
- In 2012, Fatal Downflaw will become the internet’s primary source for all plastic cup comparisons.
- bald lesbian
- Fatal Downflaw: The internet’s number one source for bald lesbians.
- indian term for jackass
- Andy Nienaber
- video drinking beer mens room
- Fatal Downflaw: The internet’s number one source for videos featuring beer drinking in the mens room.
- subserviant pussies
- Call us that to our faces, pal. Not that we’re calling you wrong, we would just prefer to solve our issues using understanding and kindness.
- speakerphone is for douchebags
- Agreed
- mafia enforcer methods
- Probably needs an Ask a Jackass written about this, specifically.
- nude jackass
- Any commentary here is just too easy.
- gay guy riding a unicorn
- Yeah…Still funny. Fatal Downflaw: The internet’s number one source for gay guys riding unicorns.
- zach holman okcupid
- I… wait, what? The great irony of someone searching for “zach holman ok cupid” and then landing on the Wood Chipper columns is so sweet that it’s almost palpable. Also, there’s no “h” in Zac, darling.
Not Safe For Work
The internet is basically built on top of porn, so it’s inevitable that Fatal Downflaw, while featuring no porn of our own – a problem we intend to rectify in 2012 – is going to get some hits from some less than savory searches.
- is it bad for males to dry hump
- Just begging for an Ask a Jackass
- how do women dry hump on her own?
- Sister, I don’t even know how to begin to help you.
- topless women making out
- The fact that we don’t actively feature more of this sort of thing is a major factor that is keeping this site from really blowing up
- why are little girls sluts
- That’s messed up, man. Just because Google isn’t going to fault you doesn’t mean it’s ok to search for this.
- awesome naked children
- I hope you die. Right now.
- sexy topless women images
- Coming soon to a Fatal Downflaw article near you!
- just sluts
- Simple… Elegant… I like it.
The Fatal Downflaw staff advises you to always search safe, so you don’t accidentally end up on some horrible backwater sarcasm dump masquerading as a legitimate website. The FBI tracks that stuff, you know.
Next time We’ll look at some even less-safe-for-work search terms that lead people to Fatal Downflaw, and also see if Zac’s internet stalker has learned to spell his name correctly.
i wonder if she was actually trying to spell “Zac Holman Occupied”??
Maybe?
Hey internet stalker girl, if you’re looking for my “Occupy Cincinnati” articles, they are not this one.