Here at Fatal Downflaw we enjoy the cinematic arts.
I’m sure you’ve noticed the thoughtful reviews that Andy writes about the great disappointment of the movie about punching wolves that didn’t actually involve punching wolves or Daniel Radcliffe is a grown-up what the fuck?
But we have never looked out into the crystal ball of movie trailers to tell you what we’re pumped about…until now. I’ve put my internet scrying skills to work and complied a short list of what I’m certain will be the greatest films of 2012.
The Dark Knight Rises
Tagline: The Legend Ends
Release date: July 20
Obviously DKR is on the list, we are nerds after all, nerds that love Christopher Nolan, Batman and things that look fucking amazing. Because damn.
Now, to be fair, I am not totally sold on A. Hath as Catwoman mostly because she sets off the annoying musical theater girl trigger in my brain and that is not sexy. But she is making that mask happen in the trailer so we’ll see. She has to be better than Halle Berry right?
Tagline: We come in peace
Release date: April 4
Realistically, the name of this film should be Motherfucking Space Zeppelins because that is exactly the promise the trailer is making. Nazis from the moon? Creepy children with German accents? Music composed by Laibach? Yes, this Laibach.
To say that I am looking forward to April would be an understatement.
Tagline: An ancient game becomes a deadly sport
Release date: March 16
Let’s be clear, this is a movie about post-apocalyptic gangs that fight by playing Dance Dance Revolution. You should read that sentence again and let it sink in.
Ok. That just blew your mind a little didn’t it?
While my dear friend Josh insists that this movie is “too stupid to exist”, I say why has it taken this long to give us the future gang beat off that we’ve always wanted? And yes, I can’t get over how they call their matches beat offs. I can only assume there is a huge masturbation subplot happening here.
Tagline: It’s double the terror and double the D’s
Release date: April 5 (in Russia)
This is the movie I am most sincerely looking forward to. And as such, it is the one causing me the most angst. Why was it pushed back from it’s Thanksgiving 2011 release? Why is the only official release listed in Russia? Will I never get to see Ving Rhames use his legs as weapons? Why do you keep me hanging on people?!?
I do not have the words to properly express how much I loved Piranha 3D. It appealed to every trashy part of my brain. Absurd monsters? Gratuitous gore? Christopher Lloyd as a crazy scientist? Naked lesbian water ballet? Breast implants floating sadly to the top of the water after their owner was devoured by ravenous fish? Piranha vomiting up a penis? Seriously this movie had it all. And now they are promising more of that, plus David Hasselhoff!
It brings a tear to my eye when I think about it. Thank you whatever deity has blessed us with this gift. I CAN NOT FUCKING WAIT.