I’m not going to lie and say that things around here are always classy. I won’t even lie and say that they are frequently classy. Honestly, for anyone involved in Fatal Downflaw to have class is a baffling accident but the one place where Andy and I can usually be counted on for some level of taste is in our drinks. We don’t fuck around with crappy beer or any type of pucker. We keep the sugar in our pies not in our booze.
Well, he always does and I…I try.
What you need to know is that The Brass Monkey is not a classy drink, it is not a smart drink and it is actually not a very good drink. It is a taste of shame. I still drink it.
Now, the super most important thing to know about a Brass Monkey is that it in no way involves simians. Which is unfortunate. I’m certain the Monkey in the name is to indicate that it was created by someone interested in throwing feces.
It is a drink that takes the already low-brow mimosa and takes it lower, like into culture’s taint lower.
I’m sure other people have other names for this evil concoction. I call it a Brass Monkey because that’s how I was taught.
Honestly, if I could quantum leap some shit and go back in time a few years to ensure that my adopted baby sister Margot never learned about this drink I would. Even though doing so means I would have to trade in countless late night voicemails of people screaming “It’s Brass Monkey time Kunch!! Wake the fuck up!!” and the very clear memory of Andy hating me when I tried to convince him to drink one (for the record he adamantly would not). I would regain a bit of precious dignity and I need all I can get.
What you’re gonna need-
Orange juice- go ahead and get the crappy kind, it won’t matter
Budweiser- in a can. Only ever in a can.
Pour the Bud into a pint glass, ideally one branded for a good beer so you feel extra shameful. Leave about an inch. Top with oj. Stir with a festive drink stir to make yourself feel better. Drink the fucker before it gets warm. Repeat.
Now, here’s the thing, that first sip is going to hurt and you’re going to have to play with proportions to get it to your liking. Your burps will be alarmingly sweet and yeasty and you’ll probably wonder why you’re doing this to yourself but once you get through the first, you’ll want a second and maybe a third. The low alcohol content means they’re perfectly suited to day drinking, they’re surprisingly good for hangovers and the vitamin C makes them almost healthy.
Plus, I can say with confidence that the Brass Monkey is not the most awful thing I have ever put in my mouth, so there’s that.