Okay, first of all just shut up. Yes, the cranky old woman is back. But, guess what? If you spent even 2 minutes listening to or watching part of Squint Eastwood’s conversation with a damn chair, you can spend 5 minutes reading this. Remember, everything I have to tell you is for the good of the future of our nation; this nation that is failing us by the minute whilst you all stand by playing with your electronic opiates and ignoring the fact that you’ve been robbed of even a mediocre education.
Little known fact, little known because – refer to paragraph one – we aren’t so big on facts in this here country: the U.S. of A is one of very few nations that do not require their children to learn more than one language. To quote the abstract from this lengthy paper on the subject, “Multilingualism is the norm in the world, monolingualism is an exception.”
You know, I wouldn’t be so irate about that if we were, at least, required to learn our own language. Thus, I am here today to beg you to learn, despite the lack of elementary education. If you can read, you can learn. Just some basics, that’s all I ask. Know the difference between the personal pronouns and use them accordingly, even when you see them being misused by important people.
The first thing you should be able to do is get a grip on yourself; that is the first person: me, myself and I. “I” is to be used as a subject, never an object. For instance, I asked Marty if he was talking to me. Or, Bobby and I asked Marty if he was talking to us. Never Bobby and me asked anything, although We could ask Marty if he was talking to Bobby and me. So “me” is always the objective case, never the subjective unless as used in this very sentence.
“Myself” is ONLY reflexive. The “__self”s (herself, himself, yourself, itself and themselves) can only be objective reflections of the objects. Only I can get in touch with myself, you can get in touch with me. Therefore, all of these memos circulating wherein the signature line says, “If you have any questions, please get in touch with Colonel Mustard or myself,” it is wrong no matter who wrote it.
All of this applies to you and her and him and it and them so please go forth and make the bad grammar stop. I’ll wait a long time for the next lecture if y’all work on this one for now. I thank you and my ears also thank you.