Yes, you read that right. I’ve used this series to go after politicians mainly, and once an entire political party. And Sarah used it to great effect against an increasingly evil charitable foundation. And now I’m turning the power of STFU against a little girl.
But guys, you have to believe she’s asking for it.
Last week the Maryland State Senate were hearing testimony in relation to a same-sex marriage bill they were considering. Into the fray walked a 14-year-old girl whose name we will not publish for reasons of journalistic integrity, but we will say that she shares a first name with a female member of our staff. She bravely took the stand in one of those moments that you always see in bad television shows and even worse movies. You know the one: the music swells, the girl is too nervous to speak at first, but then she looks over to a gruff but endearing lawyer who has been her mentor/savior/advocate/molester for the whole movie and suddenly finds the courage to pour her heart out eloquently, moving everyone in the room to tears. Yeah, that moment.
Well, when little Sarah found her voice up there on that stand, this is what she had to say:
Today is my fourteenth birthday, and it would be the best birthday present ever if you would vote no on gay marriage.
Stirring, isn’t it? That a child just in the bloom of youth could put aside her shyness and stand up proudly for her bigoted, hateful beliefs? Let’s hear some more:
I really feel bad for the kids who have two parents of the same gender. Even though some kids feel like it’s fine, they have no idea of what kind of wonderful experiences they miss out on. I don’t want any more kids to get confused about what’s right and OK.
People have the choice to be gay, but I don’t want to be affected by their choice. People say they were just born that way, but I’ve met really nice adults who did change.
So, please vote no on gay marriage.
Who could argue with that?
Oh yeah, me. That’s who.
Ok, first let’s have a little background about Sarah. Sarah is home-schooled. Now, before you jump down my throat about how sometimes homeschooling is a great option and how you’ve known lots of kids who were homeschooled that turned out to be wonderful, smart, caring people, let me assure you that I agree. There are some very good homeschooling programs out there, and some of those kids turn out fantastic. On the other hand, homeschooling is also often used as a method to ensure that your child’s belief system is entirely under your control and that they never have a chance to form an opinion that you have not carefully constructed for them. This really seems to be the kind of homeschooling at work here, since poor little Sarah’s addled brain is apparently so filled with mommy’s fundamentalist hate that there’s little room for sense or logic. It’s clear as day that this was programmed into her, because she uses all of 
the keywords: “People have the choice to be gay” is not something that most people who aren’t eyeballs-deep in their dogma would ever say. And to add “…but I don’t want to be affected by their choice” to the previous thought is…well, it’s the sort of thing that makes my blood boil when said by adults, but really just makes me sad when it comes out of a kid’s mouth. Because honestly, there’s no chance in hell this kid has ever had an opportunity to know how fucking absurd what she’s saying is. How does two gay strangers that you’ll never meet getting married affect you, little Sarah? It is because you know every time homos tie the knot Jesus cries blood? What effect could the passage of this law possibly have on you?
None, and you’re only getting involved in the first place because your asshole parents put you up to it.
But there’s more to the homeschool aspect than just the fact that she’s a brainwashed little Stepford Bigot – there’s the fact that she’s homeschooled. Guys, homeschoolers have a very limited social circle in general. Given the content of Sarah’s indoctrination, it seems like a pretty safe bet that the number of interactions she’s had in her life with children of same-sex marriage can be counted on no hands. So who is she to speak to what “wonderful experiences they miss out on”? Nobody, that’s who. In fact, let’s take a look at what Sarah’s little speech looks like when we translate it from the original “desperately trying not to sound like a religious bigot”:
Today is my fourteenth birthday, and my parents would like to capitalize on the timing of this hearing by using me to try to convince you to vote no on gay marriage, because they know that if they got up here themselves they would just look like assholes, and that everyone takes the political and social stances of fourteen-year-old girls very seriously.
I really feel bad for the kids who have two parents of the same gender, even though I’ve never actually met or spoken to one. Even though some kids feel like it’s fine, they have no idea of what kind of wonderful experiences they miss out on, like indoctrination and the occasional leather belt across the ass. If you don’t have a daddy, who’s going to get drunk on Tuesday nights and slap you around, calling you a whore because you put on a little lip gloss that morning to wear to the grocery store? I don’t want any more kids to get confused about what’s right and OK, and as a teenager, my conception of what’s right and OK should be taken into consideration, particularly where state legislation is concerned.
People have the choice to be gay, but I don’t want to be affected by their choice. Just having to live in a world where gay people are treated as human beings impinges on my right to not treat gay people like human beings. People say they were just born that way, but I’ve met really nice adults who did change. Like Reverend Mike, who hasn’t been caught in the rectory with a boy in almost eight months now! Congratulations, Reverend!
All joking aside though, I have a very, very serious problem with this. Not with the content of Sarah’s speech particularly, because we live in a country where the freedom of speech is granted to every citizen, and everyone can have whatever dickwitted opinion they want, and even express it publicly if they’re ready to face the inevitable backlash. What really disturbs me is that someone called a fourteen-year-old child of obviously religious and (at least outwardly) heterosexual parents to testify on this issue. What on God’s green fucking earth does this child have to contribute to the debate? What qualifies her to speak on the subject? I thought the idea of allowing testimony was to gather pertinent information for the legislation at hand. I’m sorry, but “My God says gay marriage is bad!” is not pertinent information. It is proselytizing from the stand. And I sincerely hope they gave at least equal if not significantly more time and consideration to actual children of same-sex couples, or even people who have ever interacted with actual children of same-sex couples.
At the end of the day, the person I feel sorriest for is little Sarah. Eventually there will be marriage equality in America, it’s just a matter of waiting for the Baby Boomers to die off and let the next generation really start to take over control. But this kind of sad brainwashing will continue in families like Sarah’s, and Sarah herself will likely miss out on a lot of wonderful experiences because of it. Unlike the usual targets of my wrath, she’s not an evil person, she’s just a misguided little girl who has been fed a wholly ignorant and unqualified opinion then forced to regurgitate that opinion in a very public way. Sarah, sweetheart, children should be seen and SHUT THE FUCK UP.
good to know that you’re waiting for and looking forward to my death as a good thing for america…
but consider this… at your age you could quite conceivable have a 14-year old daughter, so i think it’s just as likely that someone from your generation brainwashed this child with their hateful ideas, actually probably more likely your generation than mine. i know “boomers” take a lot of flack, and often rightly so, but at the same time i’m pretty sure we invented acceptance of alternative lifestyles and taught that to you guys…
…or maybe that was those filthy beatniks, i dunno i tend to forget shit.
but really great article, though…
The implication – which I probably should have been a bit more specific about – is that every poll indicates that once you cross the generation line from the Boomers into GenX, acceptance of homosexuality increases dramatically. Thus, when GenX truly takes over the reins of government it follows that marriage equality will start to become de rigeur.
I guess what I’m trying to say is “stop being such a homophobe, asshole”.
and yet high school kids are still being bullied to death for being gay… GenX has done a splendid job of passing their acceptance on to their spawn…
I said it increases dramatically, not that it’s gone entirely.
we could likely do this all day, and i’m actually just cussing with you… but please stop wishing for my death…
I’d like to invite everyone to watch this guy on the subject.