Tuesday night something magical happened. The programming choices were bleak, the stars aligned drunkenly and I watched The Voice.
It wasn’t my intention to spend my evening drinking white wine spritzers and having the most epic text convo of my life but sometimes fate takes over.
Here’s what happened- I got home from a lovely dinner around 9:15 and flipped on the TV to see Christina Aguilera wearing an outfit that was batshit crazy even for her- high-wasted hot pants, leopard print bustier, quilted silver vinyl jacket all topped off with some Mermaid Barbie weave? I looooooooooooooved it. No really, skip to 2:48.
So I did what any reasonable person would, I started a running IM commentary with my bff Megan and developed a rating system for each performance. Talent is rated on a three point scale of “Cheers, good on ya” to “Really?” to “I hate you so much you make me drink more”
Now very attentive readers may notice a slight downward slide in spelling and grammar as the text portion of our adventure continues. All of those sections should be read with a giant [sic] in mind as they’ve not been edited in an attempt to provide verisimilitude or something.
Team: Christina
Song: Blow
WTF are those shoes? They’re like stripper crystal slippers.
Xtina losing her shit in the audience is the best part of this performance.
Rating:
Really?
Team: Blake
Song: Use Somebody
S: Oh god oh god dude in black sequin headband!!
S: I need a white wine spritzer to get through this.
Please note: I never drink spritzers. The Voice drove me to madness.
Best coach advice of the night- “Think about your 6 kids and sing it.”
I HATE this dude. I HATE THIS SONG.
Rating:
I hate you so much you make me drink more.
Team- Christina
Song- I’m the Only One
S: Bald lesbian in a kilt. Fuck yes.
There was some weird judge discussion about Adam soiling his pants. I was confused.
Rating:
Cheers! Good on ya.
Team- Blake
Song- Heartless
S: Skinny indie rock chick singing Kanye West? Wtf? Oh jesus she’s Tori Amos-ing it!
S: But her eye shadow is pretty. She’s wearing a sequin sailor dress.
M: You mean hipster Jessica Alba at the piano?
Yes that is exactly what I meant.
Judge comment of the night- “I saw your meat come out and I liked it.” Christina is a national treasure.
Rating:
a somewhat confused Cheers! Good on ya.
Then there was some Team Christina group performance.
I love that Xtina’s team features both a toy soldier and a ringmaster.
M: She has 2 bald women on her team. Ironic for someone with so much fake hair on her own head.
M: I am also hating having hdtv. I just saw xtina’s highly discolored armpits.
M: The voice 1, idol 0 based solely on the presence of backup dancers.
S: Right? Also I feel the voice wins for fashion too. Skank meets tartan is sweet. Also C-lo is kinda mega creepy.
M: He has very tiny hands.
M: Very very tiny hands.
S: I know! And he’s so little! He’s like a tiny tattooed bull.
Team – Blake
Song – Price Tag
I honestly don’t remember her song. Pretty sure I was pouring a drink or peeing or something.
But what is this one name bullshit? You are not Cher or Prince, kid.
Rating:
Really?
Team – Christina
Song – Big Girls Don’t Cry
I don’t remember this one either but I don’t like Fergie so she loses for that. And those dancers are just weird.
Rating:
I hate you so much you make me drink more.
S: Spritzer 3 happes now!
M: Yesssssss!
M: I’m totally picturing you w a 6 pack of Bartles & James.
There is a Team Blake group performance. They sing a Maroon 5 song. That’s kinda weird.
S: Sequin hedband dude returns!!!!!
M: Bandana man looks like a testicle.
S: He’s such a tool!!!!!! Like a douche zorro.
M: But let’s be honest. I’m kind of in love with awkward norah jones.
S: What country dude wears a vest and tie anyway? That shit was no bolo. Tie fail blake sheldon.
S: Classy professional country? Really Blake? You kinda suck.
Team- Blake
Song- I Hope You Dance
I yelled NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!! at the TV. I have an unreasonable level of hate for this song.
Also blowing a kiss? Cheesy and lame.
Christina- “I hope you take off your pants, basically.”
Me- “I hope you always keep on your pants, basically.”
Rating:
I hate you so much you make me drink more.
Team- Christina
Song- When Love Takes Over
What are those earrings?!? Did she cut up Tina Turner’s dress from Beyond the Thunderdome?
M: also, why does frenchie davis get to be on the voice? she already got kicked off american idol like 34 years ago. and then they put her in rent. wtf? and why the hell do i know all of this about frenchie davis??
A totally valid question.
Rating:
Cheers! Good on ya!
So that wasn’t the worst thing I’ve ever watched but it wasn’t good either. Obviously, there are better ways to spend your time.
S:You’re the best! You will be immortalized on the internet with my semidrunk rambling! I mean, I’m drinking a chard spritzer alone on a tuesday watching the voice. In some cultures thi would be called rock bottom but I’m happy!
M: You are living life, my friend!
More like Opiate of the Masses. I hate you so much you make me want to drink more.