It has happened to all of us: 3am rolls around, you’re drunk out of your mind and watching Black Dynamite, and your stomach starts that rumbling that says “not only am I hungry, but if you don’t get something into me to soak up some of this Kentucky Gentleman, you’re going to spend all day tomorrow alternately wiping your ass and your chin, both of which are going to spend some time hovering over a toilet bowl.” You need a snack, and you need it now! More importantly, you need that precious balance of salt, carbohydrates and cheese that make up…the drunk snack. Taco Bell has just closed, and you really shouldn’t be getting behind the wheel of a moving vehicle anyway, so what are you to do? Can nobody save you from this terrible predicament?!
I can, friends. I can.
In this new column, I will impart the knowledge I have gained over my many years as a professional drunk snacker, and will teach you not only how to make the best drunk snacks of all time, but also give you the information you need to develop your own drunk snacks.
Are you ready for a journey of friendship and discovery? Then go rent Homeward Bound and get the fuck out of my face. Are you ready to learn how to make simple food that tastes good and won’t irritate your esophagus too much on the way back up? Then you, my friend, have come to the right place.
The Basic Wrap
Ok, this one is pretty simple. It’s been a staple of every lunch restaurant in the United States since about 1990, when someone decided that tortillas were either fancier or healthier than bread. Sandwiches go through those kinds of phases pretty frequently – remember when every fast food chain had a burger served on ciabatta? – but the wrap idea, for whatever reason, stuck. That reason, of course, is that tortillas are in every way superior to bread, and I’m about to show you exactly why.
What you need:
- Cheese (sliced, grated or shredded)
- Lunch meat of some sort
How you make it:
Sincerely, this is about the easiest fucking thing you can possibly make, which is why it’s such a perfect drunk snack. If your coordination, judgment and basic ability to stand upright are compromised, it’s no time to be attempting a soufflé.
First, lay your tortillas out on the table. I use the plural because one basic wrap is not going to be enough, and you know this. Drunk snacking is not something one should half-ass. Commit or get the fuck out, princess. With a butter knife (or whatever is at hand – a steak knife, spoon or your index finger also work in a pinch), spread just a schmear of mayo down the diameter line of the tortillas. Not too much mind you, this isn’t some dry-ass wheat bread you’re dealing with here, and though I’m a staunch advocate of drowning any sandwich in the tangy, creamy heaven that is Hellman’s, in this one very specific instance a little goes a long way.
Here is where some thinking becomes crucial, so you’ll probably want to spend some time committing this next bit to memory so that it becomes automatic, even when you’re impaired: what form is your cheese in? If it is sliced, then it is the next thing to go down on the tortilla. If it is grated or shredded, you’re going to have wait on adding it for just a bit longer. The cheese should also be in a line down the center of the tortilla, leaving the sides open. Any kind of cheese is usable, really, but I usually prefer provolone or muenster for their melting properties. But more on that later.
Next, add the meat, keeping it in the same pattern as the previous ingredients. You can never go wrong with a good ham and swiss or roast beef and cheddar. If you’re feeling bold (and you have a wealth of cold cuts in your fridge) mix it up a little. Roast beef and turkey on the same sandwich? Have I become the Sultan of Brunei?
After the meat is down you add shredded and/or grated cheeses. These will become the gooey, melty center of your wrap, whereas the sliced cheese is the glue that holds it together. The shredded and grated cheeses are completely optional, but sometimes you just want to add some parmesan just fucking because, ok? NB: this is also the layer for crumbled cheeses. You’d be shocked how good blue cheese and roast beef taste after a good, hearty binge.
Now, you roll your snack up along the axis perpendicular to the ingredients, in much the way that you would roll a burrito or a joint. And don’t you fucking pretend you’ve never rolled a burrito. You can tuck the ends down if you like, but I personally prefer to leave them open – it creates a fun crunchy bit.
Most people would tell you that your wrap is now finished, but most people are fucking morons. What you have here is a snack., not a drunk snack. No, to achieve that honor, you need to warm this motherfucker up. My preferred method is in a toaster oven set to 350 degrees for about five minutes, but you could also pop it in the microwave for about a minute and a half as well. Important disclaimer: do not try to operate a normal oven when you are drunk off your ass at 3am. I assure you, it will not go well.
When that little ding tells you that your newly designated drunk snack is finished, don’t let your excitement convince you to just reach in and grab it out. Remember, lush, that plate is hot! Use a pot holder, dumbass, that’s what they’re there for! Now give your snack just a moment to cool off, and consume.
What makes it a good drunk snack:
The basic wrap has everything you could want in a drunk snack: it has salty cold cuts, fatty cheese and tangy mayo. It’s a little crunchy, a little gooey and a little meat-textured. And most importantly, it requires no preparation beforehand and takes only a few minutes to make, with little or no actual skill or manual dexterity needed. And it goes well with pretty much anything you could possibly be drinking. And as any good alcoholic knows, pairing your drunk snack to your drink properly is key to truly enjoying both.