Let’s be clear: not even the greenest campaign strategist would try to pass gajillionaire Mitt Romney off as a regular “Joe lunchpail” sort of guy. But that hasn’t stopped the Romney campaign from at least trying to make him look like less of an android. So let’s put ol’ Mittens up against the average American – theoretically the people he’s trying to get to vote for him – and see how he fares.
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Mitt Romney |
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| Net Worth | Around $77,000 in 2010, down 40% from 2007. While I don’t have any evidence that this is directly because of the actions of Mitt Romney, I’m going to go ahead and blame him anyway. I’m sure his campaign would do the same for me given the chance. | Approaching $250 million, we guess, but he’s not willing to release his tax returns so I we’ll probably never know for sure. |
| Family Pet |
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| Favorite Sports | “Ah lahk tha NASCARs.” | “[I don’t follow] as closely as some of the most ardent fans. But I have some great friends who are NASCAR team owners.” |
| Where They Keep Their Money | Stuffed under their mattress in an unwashed sweatsock. You know, for security purposes. | Switzerland, the Cayman Islands, a wide variety of tax-shelter investments. More than likely, he also has a roll of $20 bills he keeps in his bathroom to wipe his ass with as well. |
| Stance On Gay Marriage | Statistically, the majority of Americans are either in favor of gay marriage or don’t care as long as they don’t have to watch two dudes kiss. | “My view is that marriage itself is a relationship between a man and a woman…” Even though he comes from a polygamous family history. |
| Employment History |
Worked at a good-paying manufacturing job until the factory was closed. Now cleans toilets at Taco Bell. | Closed that factory. Made twelve million dollars on the deal. |
| Monthly Living Expenses | Somewhere in the neighborhood of $2200, depending on location. | Spends more than that on hair products. But seriously, his hair does look very presidential. |
| What He’ll Look Like In 20 Years |
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| Who He Thinks Is Poor | Those damned welfare queens and lazy Mexicans who live in a one-room apartment with twenty-five other people. | You. |
| Likelihood Of Ever Becoming President | None. | None. |
i was hoping for a “Romney vs. red plastic solo cup” face off… but this will do for now.