Recently, Republican presidential hopeful, former Speaker of the House and all-around bag of dicks Newt Gingrich singed a pledge that included the mandate that he protect “traditional marriage”, defined as being between one man and one woman. But Newt…well, let’s just say Newt’s past is really at odds with his current zeal for marriage. Let’s take a look at how he stacks up against the idea of “traditional marriage”, whatever the fuck that’s supposed to mean.
 Traditional Marriage |
Newt Gingrich |
|
| Relationship contains… | One man and one woman. | One man and three women, with some not insubstantial overlap. Also, allegations of the desire for many, many more women. |
| Length of commitment | Till death do us part. | Till you are in the hospital for any reason do us part. |
| Availability to homosexuals | None. | Shockingly, this is the one type of politician sex scandal they haven’t been able to pin on the Newt so far. Give it time, though. Give it time. |
| It’s sacred because… | God says so. | Sarah Palin says so. |
| Would your parents approve? | Absolutely! In fact, unless you have really cool parents they’d most likely be deeply disappointed in you if you didn’t. | Gingrich currently has about 15% of the Republican vote. Assuming that roughly half of all Americans are Republicans, and guessing wildly that 75% of them are parents, statistically speaking your parents do not approve. Your results may vary.* |
| Did your grandmother do it? | More than likely. | Given just the number of affairs that we know about, more than likely. |
| What is the net result? | Domestic bliss, stabilized nation, increased moral standing, 2.3 children. | Four years of looking at this ugly, simpering pile of hypocrisy, wondering how the fuck our nation ever managed to sink so low. |
| Relationship to Bill Clinton | None that anyone can really attest to. | Ironically persecuted him for years over an extra-marital affair. |
| Do you want to think about it having sex? | Sure, isn’t that the whole reason why you get married? | OH SWEET JESUS, MY BRAIN! THE FACT THAT MY MIND IS CAPABLE OF CONJURING SUCH A SELF-DAMAGING IMAGE IS SOLID PROOF AGAINST EVOLUTION! |
* No statistics in this article are in any way verified.
