We here at One Downflaw Plaza are nerds to the core. We love our comic books, our terrible horror movies and, most of all, we love our board games. Nothing beats sitting around with a few friends, a six-pack of snooty beer and no desire to go outside where the fiery orb in the sky burns our tender white skin, rolling dice and moving little plastic pieces around a cardboard world. And when we tire of endless hours of Settlers of Catan or Mansions of Madness, we sometimes invent our own games. Some of them are not so successful – I’m looking at you, Pin the Tail on the Webmaster – but every so often we hit on a real peach. And since we have a forum to share our stupidity with the world and a mandate to produce five new pieces of entertainment for you a week, we have decided to share some of our inventions with you, the faithful Downflawed.
Our first offering is a tribute of sorts. In honor of the recent tenth anniversary of the United States invasion of Afghanistan, we have created The Afghan War Board Game. It’s fun for ages 18-65, and now even avowed homosexuals can play!
The Afghan War Board Game simulates the trials and tribulations of one of several increasingly unpopular presidents mired in a decade-long war against a nation that has literally never been conquered. But you’re not just some Russian thug or tea-slurping British Imperialist, you’re the motherfucking U.S. of A.! No towel-headed camel-fucker is going to beat you!
In the time-honored tradition of Cheapass Games – and for fairly obvious reasons – we supply only the rules and the game board. You will need to bring your own dice, tokens and sundry other knick-knacks to play.
- A printout of the game board below
- 2 6-sided dice. Steal these from that Pokemon-themed Monopoly game you never play anymore.
- Some sort of token for each player. Get creative! You could use pennies, little green army men, poppy seeds, scraps of the Constitution – the possibilities are endless!
- Several trillion dollars
- The best-trained and most expensive military in the world
- The person with the highest job-approval rating goes first.
- Roll both the dice. Total your roll and move forward that number of spaces.
- Read the space you landed on and follow the directions.
- When you win the war, country music’s biggest superstars will praise you in song!
Below is the completely trademarked and copyrighted game board. Print it out on your home printer or, if you don’t want to waste precious toner on this kind of utter nonsense (and nobody could blame you, that shit is expensive) print it out at work! The Man will never know!
Note: Clicking on the picture below will bring up a full-sized version of the game board.