Tomorrow is Zac’s birthday. Because he’s a self-centered, inconsiderate fuck his birthday doesn’t fall on a Fatal Downflaw publishing day, so we’re going to have to go ahead and put this up a day early. Thanks for fucking up the rotation, dickbreath.
Good luck getting Zac to feel bad about anything, though. That dude’s soul shriveled up and died in 1993 when the original Transformers cartoon went off the air. Since then the hollow husk that calls itself Zac Holman has shambled through an approximation of life, getting himself into the kinds of romantic relationships that movies with titles like “Jagged Edge” and “Fatal Attraction” are written about, fathering a perplexingly adorable child, and foisting the fucking disaster called Fatal Downflaw upon an unexpecting and, frankly, unready world.
If you’ve spent fifteen minutes with Zac you’ve no doubt hear him make a screeching cat noise, utter the phrase “WASSSS ONCE A MAAAAAN” and witnessed him flog a joke so far into the ground that fracking companies immediately swarmed the area to erect a well. This is what Zac does, and yet for reasons nobody can fully explain we continue to associate with him.
Zac spends more time in bars than anyone I know. But he doesn’t drink. Because he is absolutely no goddamned fucking fun whatsoever. Why hang out in bars then, you ask? Because he’s a pretentious hipster douche, that’s why.
Zac likes martial arts, but when the time came for him to pick one to study he didn’t go for the awesome ones like kung fu or muy thai. Not even the passive but dangerous ones like judo. Oh no, Zac went straight for Capoeira, a Frankenstein-style grafting of ineffective combat onto straight-out-of-a-Run-DMC-video breakdancing, best known for being the style that Tekken character Eddy Gordo used and universally reviled because Eddy is quite possibly the bitchest bitch character that has ever allowed a button-mashing toddler to defeat a seasoned gamer because his whole character was based on flailing limbs and flopping around like the goldfish you pulled out of its bowl when you were five just to see what would happen. But I digress.
For most people, wishing them many happy returns on their birthday is standard and encouraged. Frankly, we all agree it would be best if Zac gave up the struggle and left this planet. Happy birthday, fucker; I wish you peace in the coming year.