Allow me to save some of you some time here: if you don’t think that a movie where a toddler is given, sequentially, marijuana, cocaine then ecstasy is comedy gold, you are not going to enjoy A Very Harold and Kumar 3d Christmas, and you will also not understand why I think it is the greatest cinematic achievement that humankind has ever produced. Perhaps you would like to watch a Lady Gaga video while the adults in the room have a conversation.
Ok guys, now that those lame fucks are distracted, let’s talk about why this movie will change your life.
It’s not much of a secret that I hate 3d movies with the fire of a million suns. In my estimation, 3d technology is just another way for movie studios to shit out the worst possible product and charge you $4 more for it. I look at 3d technology as the One Ring: it is a thing of nigh-infinite power, but that power corrupts in horrific ways, so no sane being would ever use it. Except that the geniuses behind the third Harold and Kumar movie have not only sacrificed their souls to use the One Ring, they have completely mastered it and created something with it that is not only indescribably horrible, but also benefits mankind in ways unimagined beforehand.
Example: this movie has at least two 3d cumshots. This is fucking innovation, people!
What can I say about A Very Harold and Kumar 3d Christmas? Is it full of holiday cheer? Yes. Oddly, it completely is. And in the weirdest backhandedly sincere way possible. Sure, it involves shooting Santa in the face with a shotgun, but isn’t that what Christmas is all about? I may be misunderstanding the infuriating billboards I’ve been seeing lately, but I’m pretty sure that shooting Santa in the face with a shotgun is the Reason For The Season. Does it offend Christians, Jews, Asians, Muslims, Hispanics, Blacks, Whites, Homosexuals, Heterosexuals and pretty much everyone else who has ever been born? Without question. Is it the absolute stupidest movie that has ever been made? Gleefully so.
But here’s the thing: if you came to this movie expecting Revolutionary Road, you deserve have your $14 taken from you, and much more besides. If you didn’t do enough research to discover that every Harold and Kumar movie is about two guys getting stoned and finding themselves in the most ridiculous situations ever conceived by a human mind, then you should probably stop going to see movies. But if you vaguely remember that you once watched a DVD that involved Neil Patrick Harris smoking crack and riding a cheetah, and you want more of that, then brother, your prayers have been answered. My point is that some of us love stupid, and this is a movie that delivers it in spades. Here are just a few of the most glorious things you will witness when you see A Very Harold and Kumar 3d Christmas:
- A completely superfluous claymation sequence, complete with horrific gore and a giant clay penis.
- NPH in a performance that either sets a new benchmark for gay humor or sets the cause of LGBT equality back fifty years, depending on how much of a sense of humor you have.
- A robot that makes waffles called Wafflebot.
- A sequence in which Danny Trejo jerks off on a Christmas tree. IN 3D!!!
I guess what I’m trying to say here is that this is pretty specialized stuff. To appreciate this masterpiece you either have to have a proper love of all things base and moronic, or you have to be really, really fucked up. I would be lying to you if I were to say that the two beers and two shots of Jim Beam I consumed before the movie didn’t add immeasurably to my enjoyment. But that’s exactly the point. This is not a film that is intended to be consumed in a sober and contemplative mood. This is the very definition of “let’s get fucked up and watch something we don’t have to think about at all” cinema. And on that level, it is unparalleled.
What I will say for those of you out there who have thus far been turned off by this review, though, is that this is without question up there with Coraline and Piranha 3d as the best use of 3d technology in cinema history. Most movies tack on terrible 3d in post. A Very Harold and Kumar 3d Christmas uses the gimmick exceptionally well, all while mocking it mercilessly. It is a balancing act that truly has to be seen to be appreciated.
So bottom line, if you think that drug humor, race jokes, child endangerment, lots of penises, senseless violence, scatological humor, sexual situations, nonsensical plot contrivances and complete and utter tastelessness aren’t funny, then this is absolutely not the movie for you, and you also should probably check yourself into a hospital immediately because your soul is broken . For the rest of us, though, this is our Citizen Kane. I would be lying to you if I were to say that I didn’t give this movie a standing ovation when the credits rolled. If you enjoy the basest possible humor, I assure you that you will love this movie in ways that you have never loved a movie before.
Ways your wife hasn’t even heard of.