I sincerely doubt that most of you are keeping up on the Cuyahoga county corruption and racketeering case against class A sleazebag Jimmy Dimora. I mean, frankly, unless you are deeply invested in the goings on of the hotbed of democratic party corruption in Ohio or live in my fair city you probably couldn’t give a fuck.
But that has all changed now thanks to the hard work of the WOIO Channel 19 Action news team. They have discovered the best possible way to liven up court coverage about hookers and Rolexes; puppets. Yes. Puppets. I have never in my life seen this kind of reporting. But it does make a certain amount of sense. The court is closed to the media and just straight up reading the day’s transcript is pretty dull. So how do you best drum up viewership? Cue the puppets!
Now, I know that you’re thinking Cleveland must be the epicenter of great American news casting, and you’re right. Not to put too fine a point on it, we also brought you the greatest “Bear Scare” story of all time and investigative reporter Carl Monday’s seminal work on library masturbation made it all the way to the Daily Show.
But this? This is something extra special. From our hearts to yours. Here’s a recap of what we’ve seen so far.
“The testimony is real, the puppets are not. This is The Puppet’s Court”
Day 1
In our first day of coverage we meet the intrepid squirrel that will guide us through the circus-like proceedings. And boy does it get off with a bang and a discussion of possibly contracting herpes from a hooker in Vegas. It’s like Meet the Feebles meets Judge Joe Brown, which is to say, fantastic.
Day 2
Today, an admission that the guy bribing Dimora thinks he’s fat and doesn’t want to pay more than a grad for a hooker named Susanne. Riveting.
Day 3
Rolexes, fake invoices, more bribes. A free fridge! It’s like playing the Price is Right!
Day 4
Wire taps! “You shock, stun and appall me!”, vulgar language! kickbacks! Eating steak! It’s like watching The Sopranos!
Day 5
Vocab quiz: what is a “bagman”? A dick joke! A hooker named Egypt! A trip to Windsor (casino not palace).
Day 6
Where does one host “Hot hussy hook-up sessions”? Certainly not at a condo next to a news station. Make sure you “get the one with the thing in her tongue.” Her name is “Glitterpussy.”
Day 7
At last, they bring on the O Fortuna. With a story this full of gravitas, it was only a matter of time. A serious discussion of “hump work”.
Day 8
If you watch nothing else that I’ve linked to, I implore you for the good of your soul to skip to the 38 second mark and witness the greatest moment in puppet court recap that has ever been broadcast. I love you puppet court.
And there’s more to come! WOIO has promised new puppet court updates every weeknight. With the vast amount of shady shit Dimora has been accused of we have many more evenings of puppet justice to look forward to. Between you and me, I hope we haven’t heard the end of “Glitterpussy.”
without question the best news reporting in history! why don’t the ‘nati stations employ puppet reporters?!
No more newscasters! ALL PUPPETS!!!