Friends, our buddy Rick may have dropped out of the presidential race but we are not about to stop watching smut in his name. Years from now, when the terrifying near miss of his run for president will be but a fading and shameful memory, we will still be reviewing the best that parody porn has to offer in memory of Rick Santorum. This we swear!
And this time, I have the particular treat of bringing you the first ever Rick Santorum Memorial Parody Porn Review of a movie that’s actually worth watching. Contrary to every rational thought anyone has ever had, the porn parody of the execrable horror abortion The Human Centipede is an intentionally hilarious romp that, if you fast-forward through some of the uglier sex scenes, is actually measurably better than the movie it’s based on.
I’m almost hesitant to show you this trailer because it spoils a lot of what I’m going to say, but you really should witness it for yourself.
The Human Sexipede : First Sequence – Trailer HD… by Strange-Movies
So now you know what we’re dealing with here. Sheer and utter brilliance.
The Human Centipede is the story of two idiot co-eds, a demented surgeon and two of the most painfully moronic policemen in the history of law enforcement. It makes no scientific or dramatic sense, isn’t scary, and is mostly just an excuse for the German douchebag who made it to very publicly revel in his feces fetish. It is a terrible piece of garbage, and this comes from a man who usually loves terrible pieces of garbage. I guess what I’m saying here is never, ever waste your time seeing The Human Centipede.
The Human Sexipede, on the other hand, is about two bisexual co-eds, a mad sexual scientist and a bunch of other people, and they’re all bangin’. Also, they got rid of the incompetent policework that was a large part of why I hated the original movie so much. This movie stands in that very small but very crucial group of porn parodies that actually spend as much time on the scenes between the fucking as they do on the porn, which is really what makes a good parody porn so delightful.
Our story begins precisely where any such story of horror and Germans should…
Two late-twenties porn stars that we are supposed to accept as college students are complaining about their room.
This room looks like an Ikea display. I half expect to see 99-cent meatballs and that bookshelf over there to fall down.
It’s so tiny in here…it’s, like, the strangest and most uncomfortable place I’ll ever rest my head.
Holy shit! Irony in the first minute of a porn parody? This right here? This is motherfucking gold.
So the girls are on a globe-hopping trip to fuck men. No, seriously, that’s precisely the reason they’re in Germany. They’ve already fucked their way through the US, Canada and the Caribbean, and now they’re giving Europe a try. Jenny, the brunette, has a delightful monologue about how this moment – the moment when they can’t find a stranger to have sex with – is the most terrifying thing she will ever experience, especially in Germany. Each line is punctuated with what I can only describe as a terrible parody porn version of the Law and Order noise. It is fucking glorious. They then decide that if they can’t find a man, they’ll just have to do women. Jenny opens a suitcase filled with sex toys. Cue girl-on-girl action.
The scene is actually filled with an abnormal amount of talking – the girls actually seem to be friends, which lends it a kind of really strange sweetness. The blonde Lindsey, however, has a horrific goat laugh that comes out when she’s turned on, which was about the biggest turn-off I had ever experienced up to that moment. Then they share a pair of panties between their mouths Lady-and-the-Tramp-style, and the goat laugh was immediately outdone.
Next we cut to the girls on a laptop, looking for guys on Werner‘s List and Adult Friendschtupper. They find this completely legit-sounding ad:
They answer the ad to find Dr. Heiter, who is “so dirty that the girls from ‘two girls one cup’ have to tape their reactions when they watch me”. He offers to take them to the basement and get them into something a little more comfortable, then we jump-cut to the girls in hospital gowns, handcuffed to beds with a screaming Asian man beside them. Except the handcuffs aren’t attached to anything and the Asian guy just has a screaming fetish, something I’m pretty sure is real.
Heiter explains to the three that they are there because they are seeking sexual thrills beyond the capability of most people. He tells them that he was once a mad sexual educator before he became a mad sexual scientist and that he had a girlfriend in those days that he loved very much. Cut to a flashback of Heiter and his girlfriend where he points to an overhead projection of a crooked line.
That…is a vagina.Oh Reiner, you know so much about vaginas.
This is my job, baby. If I was a garbage man, I could simply walk up to that board and show you that that line represents garbage. But I am not. I’m just a mad sexual educator. I educate people about sex. Madly.
The girlfriend then suggests that he examine her line, and we’re off again.
The following sex scene is remarkable for three reasons:
- The chick looks eerily like an emaciated version of someone I went to college with, which sorta creeped me out.
- She keeps making up dialogue throughout the whole scene which is a hilariously bad take on the usual porn movie dirty talk.
- He maintains his faux German accent throughout the entire scene, going so far as to yell “Oh ja!” and “Oh Gott!”, and scream “Ich spritzen!” when he comes.
In the afterglow, she says “I wish this could last forever…ever…ever…” And that’s Heiter’s inspiration. He’s going to create a creature that never stops having sex by sewing people’s orifices together just before they orgasm. You know, something like…
He admits that he did try it once before, but it didn’t work out so well. Cue random and unnecessary threesome scene.
Who am I kidding, no threesome scene is ever unnecessary. Except that horrific abomination in This Isn’t Twilight…(shudder)
When you’ve finished skipping over the two dudes double-teaming a really bored-looking chick in a hospital bed, we cut back to Dr. Heiter who declares “Let the experiments begin!” A sequence of sight gags follows in which Heiter uses various inappropriate tools (including a screw gun and a clothes iron) to work on the off-screen abomination. When he finishes, one of the two dudes from the threesome walks out of the bathroom.
Glad I got that out of my system beforehand….looks kinda funny with only two of them attached like that.
We cut to the present day, in which Heiter says…
And that’s why I’m only using one guy this time.
The girls agree to the experiment with a high-five but Katsuro has second thoughts.
How will I do normal everyday things…like rent videos from the video store?
Haven’t you heard of video on demand?
Sure, but what if I forget my password? Doc, I SOMETIMES FORGET MY PASSWORDS!
The doctor urges Katsuro to remember the deal they made, and remember why he came in the first place. Then we cut to a flashback scene between Katsuro and a chick who looks distressingly like the chick who plays Victoria on How I Met Your Mother.
From the right angle she also looked a bit like Summer Glau, which gave me hope that some day my prayers would be answered and the Firefly parody porn would be a reality. But I digress.
After they bang, Katsuro wants to go again, but River Tam wants to go sightseeing. So that’s why Katsuro’s here: because he wants to fuck more than he wants to see museums in Berlin. Which, I suppose, is as good a reason to submit yourself to radical, insane surgery as any.
With everyone on board, Heiter declares “Let’s bring sexy back! And hopefully, I don’t screw it up so that you’re all eating each other’s shit.” And then we’re off to another threesome on a hospital bed, something I had had quite enough of before I ever saw it the first time.
Then we repeat the visual gag of the power tools and end on this oddly creepy picture:
Guys, I never thought I would do this but I can actually recommend The Human Sexipede as entertainment. I mean, if you have an aversion to pornography you’re probably not going to enjoy it, but it packs a lot of really stupid quick jokes into an entertaining diversion between watching people hump, and that’s pretty much the pinnacle of what one can expect from parody porn. For the most part, the sex isn’t even horrifying, something I had yet to encounter in the parody world! Run right out to your neighborhood torrenting program and pirate a copy of this film immediately. For the love of god, don’t actually pay for it. These people are sinners and debauchers and shouldn’t be rewarded for ruining society.
I’m pretty sure you could cut out the bangin and it would still be great.
I think your description alone is great. Vaguely erotic – no, stop I’m too old for that. At any rate, I’ve laughed quite enough for a woman of my generation so thank you for that.