If you’re like me, you’re a white heterosexual male. If you’re not like me, tough luck for you, sucker! It’s great being in the majority. I can get a cab any time I want. Nobody hides their purse when I walk by or looks at me askance when they encounter me on the street after dark. And nobody can fire me from my job for who I am. And that, my friends, is the kind of respect I deserve for being born from German stock and not loving cock.
Everything has a downside, though, and being solidly in the majority is no exception. The price of great privilege is eternal vigilance: we cannot allow minorities to get a foothold in this or any country, or pretty soon they’re going to want to have all those “rights” and “civil liberties” that God gave to us, and we most certainly can’t have that. So I am putting out the call to you, my fellow white male breeders (and anyone outside that rather narrow set of specifications should probably just quit reading now – we don’t like your kind around here): we need to do everything we can to keep homosexuals at bay. We can’t really do anything about the blacks, they were granted “civil rights” after some nonsense in the sixties and now they’re protected by all sorts of legislation that makes it illegal to discriminate against them. And women – don’t get me started. But the gays are still a great target for oppression, and I say we heap it on them!
Fact: in twenty-nine states in the US it is legal to fire someone based solely on their sexual orientation. This is great news for us! In fact, one has to wonder why only twenty-nine. This is a clear-cut case of coddling minorities. There are plenty of great reasons for firing gays; well-accessorized outfits cut productivity, your customers run the risk of catching gay if they accidentally touch the homosexual employee or use a toilet seat previously used by a homosexual, and it’s scientifically proven fact that the gays all want to have sex with you, the fat, slovenly homophobe. Your congress is, at this moment, considering a bill called the Employment Non-Discrimination Act (ENDA – a threatening-sounding acronym if I’ve ever heard one) that would make this kind of discrimination illegal at the federal level. Some form of this bill has been on the docket for seventeen years now, proving that Congress is doing everything it can for the cause of keeping the homos at heel. But now the bill is gaining a huge amount of support and the momentum is shifting. Call your congressman immediately and tell him (if your congressman is a woman you’re clearly doing politics wrong) that America is the land of opportunity and one of the greatest freedoms we enjoy is the freedom to trample anyone who is different from us. Don’t let them take your rights to deny other people their rights away, white middle-class heterosexual America!
One of the things shifting public opinion on this matter is the case of Andre Cooley. Cooley was a juvenile corrections officer in Hattiesberg, Mississippi who was fired because of his sexual orientation (the wrong orientation, of course). One of his superior officers was called to break up a domestic dispute between Coolie and his then-boyfriend. When the abusive boyfriend let slip that the two were in a relationship, the officer told Coolie not to report to work the next day without seeing his immediate supervisor first. He was fired despite a spotless work record and a swift climb through the ranks. Then those white knights at the ACLU (which I’m pretty sure stands for Atheist Communist Lawyer’s Union, but I could be wrong) got a hold of the case and decided that just being gay wasn’t a good reason to fire someone who was doing a stellar job of working with at-risk kids, in part because of his own upbringing in the foster home circuit. They got all litigious, as is their wont, and boom! The Forrest County Sheriff’s Department were forced to reinstate Cooley. What kind of a country are we living in when doing what’s fair and right is forced upon public institutions? Not my America, I can tell you that.
And let’s talk about gay marriage for a second. Look, I’m an avowed atheist (ONOES!) so I can’t say I object to it from a religious standpoint, but I do have a lot of very serious concerns about allowing this fundamental human right to be given to the queers. First, married people have sex and two dudes touching each other’s no-no parts is super icky, right? Plus, acknowledging gay marriages would have the dual effect of eliminating the common complaint of promiscuity in the homosexual community and affording basic rights that we heteros have had sole dominion over for so long, like sharing health insurance or – gasp! – being able to preside over a partner’s medical care in case of emergencies. Imagine what would happen if gay couples were suddenly allowed to be the beneficiaries of the life insurance policies that they have paid into for their entire lives! They might start to get the ridiculous idea that they aren’t second-class citizens.
If you’re as concerned about the future of our nation as I am there are a few things you can do to insure that the homos don’t get special rights (“special rights”, in case you were wondering, is what we call equal rights that are given to a group of people we don’t approve of):
- Don’t join the ACLU. These lunatics don’t confine their nefarious deeds to gay rights campaigns. Oh no, friends, they also work for immigrants’ rights, separation of church and state cases, first amendment rights and hundreds of other do-gooder issues. They are public enemy number one for anyone who is dedicated to stomping on other people’s rights.
- Don’t support Human Rights Campaign (HRC). These people are almost as bad as the ACLU when it comes to gay rights, but they only focus on the ‘mos and leave all the other issues to the side. Also in their favor is that they tend to be dismissive of trans-gender issues, which is at least a start.
- Just don’t do anything at all. Honestly, without people getting involved this cause can go nowhere. The best thing you can do to keep homosexuals a non-protected group is to sit on your fat ass and do absolutely nothing. The less you show people you care, the less likely it is that anything will actually happen to change things.
People (white, heterosexual people, I mean), our country is at a crossroads. We’ve already been forced to admit that blacks are actually entire people and not just the 3/5 of a person that our sacred Constitution proclaims them to be. We’ve had to allow women first to enter the workplace, then to actually vote! And now there’s a pretty good chance that we’ll have to admit that gay people are exactly the same as straight people except that they want to have sex with people who have their same shameful parts. Where does it stop? Our majority is slipping, friends, and if we don’t watch out, pretty soon we’ll have to share the power with everyone else. It’s a nightmare that we can never wake up from, no matter how hard we pinch each other.