If you haven’t read Rachel Maddow’s damning report on the recent spate of out-and-out lies being perpetrated by the Romney campaign, go do it now. It’ll only take you a few minutes. I’ll just listen to the fucking amazing new Firewater song while I wait for you to get back.
Ok, have you read it? Now go listen to that Firewater song. Seriously, it’s tits.
Maddow’s focus is the most recent incident in which the campaign tells flat-out untruths about Obama signing an order to roll back the work requirements for Welfare when what he actually did was sign an order that broadens states’ control over such matters, a thing that was requested by several Republican governors including the former Republican governor of Massachusetts, whose name eludes me right now. Oh, wait, I remember…
This is, of course, not the only horrific lie Romney’s campaign has perpetrated lately. Before it was the one where they claimed Obama was trying to restrict the voting rights of Armed Forces members when what they actually tried to do was reverse Ohio’s new and enormously restrictive voter regulations which applied to everyone but Armed Forces members. Which is exactly the same argument that the Christians keep using when they insist that granting atheists religious freedom restricts their own First Amendment rights.
And before that there was the infamous “you didn’t build that” fracas which was a Breitbart-level context-cleansing attack that took what I think was a sincere lesson about sharing and fair play that everyone should have learned at the age of two and turned it into some kind of imaginary screed against everything everyone on earth has ever accomplished.
And to be fair, the Democrats aren’t completely innocent of this kind of wholly unethical slander themselves, such as Harry Reid’s insistence that some guy he couldn’t name told him that Romney got off without paying taxes for a decade. You know, because “I heard it from a dude. No, I can’t tell you his name or any of his credentials but trust me, he’s a completely credible source who is no doubt intimately familiar with Mittens’ tax paperwork” isn’t at all a shady and obvious lie.
But since that was the best that the Dems seem capable of, and since I really really don’t want to live in a Romney-led America, I am going to do my best to disseminate some complete fabrications of my own to counter Mittens’ campaign fibs. Put your grains of salt away people, you won’t be needing them here.
Mitt Strapped His Grandmother to the Roof
On a family vacation to Beverly Hills, a young Willard Romney carelessly and cruelly tied his grandma’s carrier to the back of a truck for the cross-country drive. Photographic proof:
Romney claimed that Granny enjoyed the feeling of the wind in her face, but we all know what’s really going on here.
Romney Killed and Ate a Manatee
I lived in South Florida for three years and never once saw a goddamned manatee. Because I’m poor and poor people don’t get to see sea mammals. But Mittens has seen them. In fact, this guy I met at a bus stop said that his friend’s meth dealer told him that he had definitive proof that Romney once dove off of one of his yachts to strangle a manatee because it was “forcing all of these goddamned low-wake zones on us”. Apparently, he then dragged the sea cow on deck and began tearing into it with his teeth, complaining loudly about punishing success.
Ann Romney Is a Cyborg Developed By Martha Stewart and Reince Priebus
I mean, just look at this woman! She’s so fucking Stepford it hurts. Of course, they haven’t quite worked out the AI issue where she says incredibly stupid shit on television for millions of people to see, but that’s because she’s a concept model. The Weyland-Yutani Corporation assures us that when they go to production that problem will be fixed, and working conscience and empathy will be included, along with a lifelike latex vagina for when you want to take your Ann-droid relationship to the next level.
Mittens Hates Unicorns
The Romney campaign has been working hard to suppress this information, but Huffpo is reporting that Mitt has made it quite clear in speeches at small, high-dollar fundraisers that he absolutely fucking abhors unicorns and, if elected president, would actively pursue legislation to round up the remaining unicorn population and feed them to a giant red bull. Speculation as to whether this has anything to do with the failure of his wife Ann’s stupid fucking dressage horse is unconfirmed.
Mosquitoes Won’t Bite Romney – Claim His Blood Is “Tainted”
Recent interviews with the Hamptons mosquito community show that the usually voracious bloodsuckers just won’t get near Romney and his kin. “His blood is so fucking blue it’s indigestible” said Jerry Hemogoblin, a spokesinsect for the Hampton pests. “And it tastes like beluga caviar. Who in their right mind wants to eat fish eggs?”
Mitt and Pal Hugh Grant Used to Go Trolling For Tranny Hookers
Rich, erudite dickbags run in packs, and Mittens and Grant became best buds when they were roommates at Eton Equestrian Camp For Douches (EECFD) in the early eighties. “Oh sure,” Grant is quoted as saying, “Willard and I used to saddle up the ponies and head into Brixton to find a bit of strange of a Saturday night. Will preferred the rough trade mostly, but he did occasionally go in for a ladyboy.”