If you watch television, listen to the news, or have been in any way conscious recently, you may have heard that the United States military’s Special Video Games Unit used a remote-controlled drone to kill Anwar Al-Awlaki, a minor instigator for Al Qaeda with alleged ties to the Ft. Hood shootings and the extraordinarily hilarious failed underwear bombing of 2009. No attempt to capture Awlaki was made, and no due process given, he was simply destroyed in a hail of (I wish I was clever enough to have made this up) Hellfire missiles while he was driving in Yemen. I’ll leave it up to smarter, more eloquent people than myself to ponder the greater implications of this action on the continuing erosion of the Due Process clause of the Fifth Amendment or America’s image in the world community. Serious, thoughtful political insight is not what we specialize in here at One Downflaw Plaza, and if the Google Analytics data we pore over daily tells us anything, it’s that our readership is far more interested in bathroom humor and our staff putting our bodies at risk for the sake of comedy than you are in the more pointedly political stuff anyway.
So why am I bothering to get all heated here about Alwaki’s murder instead of just screaming about it to my many politically active liberal friends? Because there is a very particular aspect of this travesty that allows me to go off on one of my patented tangents, and it is this: Anwar Al-Alwaki was a citizen of the United States. That’s right, friends, the President has finally made good on his assertion that he has the power to order the assassination of an American national. And this fact begs the question: who’s next? Sure, Alwaki was a minor functionary in Al Qaeda whose most notable achievement was being the jihadist equivalent of an internet troll, but his death in a country we are not at war with opens up an exciting new world of possibilities. Who will Obama target for assassination next, claiming national security in order to make an end-run around the constitution and the rule of law? I have a few suggestions:
Sara Lee CEO Marcel H.M. Smits
What is the greatest threat to American lives today? If you said “terrorism” you’re not only wrong, you’re a Republican. The biggest threat to the health and safety of of the citizens of the United States is the obesity epidemic. Every day we as a nation become fatter, lazier and more tender, making us first in line when the aliens inevitably come and start stockpiling humans to eat, V-style. There are lots of things to blame for this problem; an increasingly sedentary lifestyle, fast food companies that rely on cheap high-calorie and high-fat foods to maximize profits and those goddamned violent video games that the kids are playing nowadays and seem to be at the root of everything that is bad in this world have all contributed to in some way. But the single biggest culprit in the fattening of America is bacon.
It cannot be denied: bacon is delicious, unhealthy and literally dripping with fat. Everyone loves bacon, and nobody doesn’t like Sara Lee. That’s why Dutch-born Marcel H.M. Smits, recently named Chief Operating Officer of the Sara Lee Corporation (owners of the Jimmy Dean brand, who make not only amazingly good bacon, but several other pork-based breakfast foods as well) is the single most dangerous man in America. He wields a weapon whose versatility and devastating effect are unmatched: those salty, chewy strips of cured pork that have insinuated themselves into the daily ritual of every good, patriotic American. The assault does not end with breakfast though, friends. Bacon sleeper cells lurk in every meal of the day, hiding in your cheeseburgers, creeping into your salads and even infiltrating the previously sacred and pork-free cocktail hour. That is why Smits, an evil mastermind in the great Dutch tradition of Joran Van Der Sloot, must be stopped at all costs. I do not believe that a simple drone attack will be enough to bring this multinational menace to its knees, so I am calling for the President to authorize a full-scale nuclear assault on the Sara Lee Corporation’s headquarters in Downers Grove, Illinois. Sure, that’s a scant few miles outside of Chicago, but the scale of this threat far outweighs the loss of a million or so civilians (including our friend The People’s Cowboy, the loss of whose mustache will be a great blow to humanity as a whole), and Chicago itself is home to a kind of pizza that is so delicious and so fraught with meat products (often bacon, for the record) that it poses its own serious existential threat to America.
Activision/Blizzard CEO Bobby Kotick
I’ve already mentioned the deleterious effect video games have had on America and the world at large. Depending on how high you wear the waist of your pants, you either think they desensitize kids to violence, waste hours that could be spent doing something productive like continuing to fruitlessly search for a job or fight in a real war, or were put on this earth by Satan himself to twist God-fearing Americans into playing simulations of sorcery and soccer. And by far the worst offender is World of Warcraft, a massively-multiplayer online roleplaying game where you sink your entire life into collecting ever more ridiculous pieces of armor. If I may inject a bit of personal observation here, it has always mystified me that so many conservatives have come out so strongly against WoW – it is by far the most effective abstinence aid that has ever been created. I know a number of women who consider themselves “WoW widows” because their man is too busy getting married to a half-naked night-elf online to ever touch actual human female flesh. But I digress.
The company responsible for this travesty is Blizzard, who were recently devoured by video game megalith Activision, and the man in charge of Activision is outspoken douchebag and possible hobbit Bobby Kotick. Kotick is already deeply unpopular in gamer circles for charming bon mots like “The goal…was to take all the fun out of making video games.” But everybody knows that people who play video games are unemployed layabouts who live with their parents, their stubby, sausage-like fingers covered in Dortito Cool Ranch dust, doing nothing but gaming and bitching about things on the internet, so who the fuck listens to them anyway? The fact of the matter, though, is that sometimes fat, shiftless nerds are right, and this is one of those times. Kotick is a menace on the grand scale. Under his watch, World of Warcraft became the highest-grossing video game of all time (as counted by both monetary gain and sheer volume of hours wasted), they hired Mr. T to be their spokesman, and mothers left their children to starve and die so as not to disappoint their Guilds or whatever the hell you call a group of sweaty, socially retarded agoraphobes who fight orcs together on their computers. This monster must be stopped! I don’t think a regular military raid will be of use in this situation, though. I’m pretty sure Activision headquarters is protected by some kind of amulet or ward or something. The only solution is wizards. If I recall correctly, the Marines have a few squads of level 74 sorcerers that they use for high-priority missions involving magically armored targets. Or I might have dreamt that – I have been reading a lot of The Wheel of Time lately.
Def-Jam Magnate Russell Simmons
You know what else is destroying our country? The hip-hop musics, that’s what! Barely even recognizable as music, the hip-hops are just dark-skinned people yelling about bitches, drugs and violence and using the n-word that white people are so jealous about not getting to use ourselves anymore. And nobody has had a stronger hand in making that kind of behavior acceptable than Russell Simmons, co-founder of Def-Jam records. Though Simmons is not a rapper himself (his brother, though, is the infamous Reverend Run of Run-DMC, who is known for his anti-social attitudes and his terrible influence on today’s youth), he is without a doubt one of the most powerful men in the network of deviants and social terrorists known as rap music. Not content to keep his values-destroying influence in the realm of music, he also spun off Def-Jam into areas that black people had never explored before the late 1980s, like comedy and poetry. Now Simmons has his tendrils wrapped in the world of fashion with his Phat Farm line, a name which clearly evokes the crimes of Marcel Smits enumerated above. Simmons has even licensed a series of video games (with Activision’s main rival Electronic Arts, no less), which makes him far and away the most dangerous man on the planet.
Not only is Russell Simmons the Osama bin Laden of commercial warfare, but in his jihad against America he has been a strong advocate for many subversive causes as well, adding social engineering to his list of crimes. Simmons has been an outspoken proponent of gay marriage and animal rights, and has taken part in the Occupy Wall Street protests that are tearing the country apart at this very moment. President Obama, for the safety and security of this country, your first priority should be sending drones through the streets of New York City to deal with this threat. None of us can sleep safely until Russell Simmons’ remains are given the traditional burial at sea that your press corps will tell us his culture requires after you’ve disposed of the body somehow.
Despot and Anti-Constitution Activist Barack Hussein Obama
This fuckin’ guy. He is a menace. First, he’s black and everyone knows those people are only slightly below the Mexicans on the list of what is dragging this country into the shitter. Also, he’s a socialist, isn’t a proper American citizen, wants to take all of your money and give it to freeloading drug-addicted welfare mothers, hates America, hates white people, is part of the Zionist agenda, and probably eats babies regularly. I’m not quite sure about that last one yet, but Glenn Beck teased the theory for his show on Tuesday and I’m really looking forward to his thoughts on the matter. But worse than all this, Barack Obama is actively working to destroy the Constitution of the United States of America by weakening key elements like Due Process. This is the most dangerous threat to America that can ever be: without the rule of law as set out by our Founders, without taking a strong stance in defending the processes by which justice is served instead of merely meting out vengeance via flying robot death squad, America lumbers ever closer to becoming the imperial, unilateral world police that people like Anwar Al-Alwaki have always accused us of being. My final suggestion of the day is that our President take a long, hard look at his recent actions and ask himself who is a bigger menace to the country we love: a guy half a world away whose rants on the internet were about equal to Perez Hilton’s when it comes to damaging American culture, or a man who gleefully murders an American citizen without a trial?