Rapturegate 2011 part 2: Too Beautiful For This World

Pray that their predictions were wrong. Pray that our hero will watch over us. Pray that this is the last rapture-related article for the foreseeable future.
Rapturegate 2011

Rapturegate 2011 has entertained many, and make no mistake, has irritated many more. Let us take this example: a submitted letter from a Fatal Downflaw reader that they had mailed to Mr. Camping’s organization. This echoes the discontent of the masses leading up to the non-rapture.

Dear misguided,

It must be very disheartening to be so wrong all the time. Do you remember Y2K? That shit was hilarious! There was an electricity in the air all the way up until nothing happened. This one though… I don’t know. It just doesn’t feel right. There are too many other hopeful events taking place right now for your silly prediction to be believable.

Here is a list of some things you didn’t seem to take into account:
- Conversion from Julian to Gregorian Calendar
- Leap years
- EXTREMELY inaccurate timeline
- Daylight savings
- That “2 Peter 3:8 one day is with the lord as a 1000 years, and 1000 years as one day.” quote, which seems to be the basis of your entire prediction, is quite obviously meant to be a literary effect as to how great god must be.

Imagine that; people misconstruing the written word. I encourage you to be more analytical in your readings. Don’t take any word at face value. If you really believe these characters existed, imagine their thoughts and feelings that would make them act certain ways, or say certain things. Too many sects read and memorize the words, but don’t question or imagine what is hinted at between the lines.

Until then, I weep for your ignorance and cringe at the fact that you can vote. Please try to be more reflective before jumping to ridiculous doomsday conclusions. You’re making humanity look very stupid.

- I Am Disappoint

disappoint IAD’s letter sets the tone of the common view of RaptureGate 2011: What a stupid idea, and now that it failed, so much the worse. Harold Camping; like a modern-day Aleister Crowley, you swept us up in a torrent of wonder and hope, a message of salvation and a direction for tomorrow (Note that Aleister Crowley is not necessarily associated with any of these ideas). And yet, Saturday, May 21st, 2011 came and went, with no real phenomena of significance noted. What happened? Our belief, our zeal, does it count for nothing? What of our dream?

A Dream Deferred

What happens to a dream deferred?

Does it dry up
like a raisin in the sun?
Or fester like a sore–
And then run?
Does it stink like rotten meat?
Or crust and sugar over–
like a syrupy sweet?

Maybe it just sags
like a heavy load.

Or does it explode?

by Langston Hughes
Reprinted without permission from anyone

Today, in honor of Harold Camping, I will use my own garbage pseudo-science to prove that a rapture happened last week.
TimeCube
There was a significant death a mere 24 hours before the rapture was scheduled to begin. A prince of a man, whose passing would have garnered that much more media attention, had the rapture not been mis-scheduled to occur the very next day. But he was a humble, devout man, and he would have wanted it this way. I speak – of course – of ten-time world heavyweight champion “Macho Man” Randy Savage. Known for his out-of-date-yet-timeless sunglasses, ever-present bandana, and his unique ability to make a jacket with several feet of fringe on the arms a viable fashion accessory, the Macho Man – known as Randy Poffo to his family – was a legend in the hearts and minds of America – and the world.

Randy Savage’s death leaves us with a gaping hole in our lives, in our hearts, and in our title belt history. What would we even say to the Macho Man if he were here today? As one notable comment on facebook read:

“This world was never meant for one as beautiful as you.”

Spare me the not-a-rapture; How do we go on from this day? Am I expected to forgive Hulk Hogan for breaking up the Mega Powers in early 1989 and then capturing the title from Randy Savage at WrestleMania V later that year? My mind says “let it go, it was part of the storyline”. My heart is heavy, and I daresay has trouble forgiving this act of raw betrayal. In the wake of this loss, we all must deal with his passing in our own way, and in our own time.

In my sorrow, I read through Harold Camping’s rapture prophecies, marveling at his wisdom and astonished by his deductive ability. I moped, I lamented, I cried – crying helped, a little. I wanted to remember the good times, and brought up Randy’s title history. I wistfully remembered his more-than-human accomplishments. Two-time WWF Champion. Four-time WCW Champion. King of Cable. King of the Ring. Match of the Year -and on, and on, and on. So many numbers that… that had so much more meaning now. Under a deadline to finish part 1 of this article, I again returned to my reading about Harold Camping’s biblical numerology.

That was when it hit me.

Harold Camping’s prediction wasn’t wrong; merely incomplete. I hastily began comparing the length of Macho Man title runs to the number of days he spent wrestling in particular promotions. I calculated the number of wins the Macho Man earned in 1986 vs. the number of losses sustained by the Ultimate Maniacs tag team prior to the (still thought of as completely insane) Warrior’s dismissal. There was a pattern here. This meant something.

Sure enough, after a long, grueling process of epiphany after epiphany, I stood up. It had been at least five minutes, and I knew I had the answer: One such as the Macho Man could never leave us without purpose. But rest assured, he had not. My clearly figured algorithm showed that Harold Camping had forgotten to carry a 3, and in fact the rapture had happened a day early. And it wasn’t so much that 200 million of the world’s people were going to ascend to heaven – just the force of 200 million souls. I checked my figures and caught my breath. My calculations showed that due to his magnificence, the Macho Man’s worth to humanity was exactly that of 200 million ‘regular’ people (or rather, 200 million people who were not Randy Savage).

So there is no despair, no sorrow. Harold Camping was (almost) right about the rapture, and we now know with certainty that the Macho Man has gone to a better place. So:

when you wear a leopard-print armband and neon blue cowboy hat in memory of the legendary Savage-Flair feud of 1992,
when you rock a pair of wrap-around sunglasses and a bright orange faux-alligator jacket with 14 inches of fringe on each arm,
when you – dare I say it – snap… snap into a Slim Jim,

SavageVsFlair remember: “Macho Man” Randy Savage was here for us when we needed him. And as long as we remember him in our hearts, he will always be here for us. Also remember that if my “calculations” were correct, then nothing else rapture-related is going to happen anytime soon, and the Family Radio doomsday posse is still seriously wrong about everything else.

The world needs its Harold Campings and Aleister Crowleys; the masses need entertainment. Even more so, the world needed its “Macho Man” Randy Savages. To you, Randy Poffo, I am but one of a million, million distant stars in the face of the brilliant intensity with which you shone. John Donne shows us the way forward in the wake of your death: