Reader Mail: $10,500,000

To say that we get a lot of mail here at Fatal Downflaw would be a lie. I guess people are just intimidated by our unapproachable awesomeness and feel that their petty praise and concerns are beneath us. Or y’all just don’t give a fuck. Either way, the mailbox around here is generally pretty empty. But the other day we received some fantastic news and wanted to share it with you, our non-corresponding readers.

From: ajeinfuja@live.com
To: webmaster@fataldownflaw.com

Subject: FEDERAL REPUBLIC OF NIGERIA EXECUTIVE OFFICE OF THE ACCOUNTANT LAGOS-STATE !!
Date: Sat, 11 Jun 2011 10:09:47 +0000

FEDERAL REPUBLIC OF NIGERIA

EXECUTIVE OFFICE OF THE ACCOUNTANT LAGOS-STATE
Dear ,

I am very sorry for what ever you may have gone through concerning this matter. I just got the whole truth about this issue after the death of our president. I got information from our present president Good Luck Jonathan and the lawyer in charge of processing your payment file and the past Governor of this state {LAGOS}. That your payment approval certificate was not approved and the State attorney lied to the FBI that I am the cause of everything but thank God that the truth had been revealed. Right now, the lawyer have been sued and shall be put behind bar by the end of the case for his criminal act and behind your not been paid till now. He and his counterpart has agreed to refund all money you have so far spent so far in the quest of claiming your payment.you are to make proper calculation of how much you have sent to me so far so I can include it on record on how you can be refunded.

Concerning the transfer of your fund, the new President {President Good Luck Jonathan} just informed to me this morning that I should make sure we transfer your full payment which is $10,500,000.00 by Friday morning. In this regard, your full payment shall be transferred on Friday morning via the Central Bank of Nigeria and i am fully in charge now and i will make sure that you get your payment.We also wish this message would get on you on time as we have made several efforts in reaching you. we have just unveiled an effort by an unidentified person who wants to claim your FUND. From the Treasury department. His name is Thompson Michael.

The said person claim to be your next of kin and beneficiary to your payment, he reported to us that you are dead and buried. This is why we decided to verify before releasing your payment to him. Below is a copy of the burial picture he submitted to us, which he claimed was taken on your final burial day. Also attached to this message is a photograph taken on your last mass to burring you.
We therefore requested that you confirm this information by writing back to our office within the next 48hours of receipt of this message. Failure to do so will authoritatively tell us that you are truthfully dead and buried.

Best Regards

AJENIFUJA MONSURU OLUMIDE
Head of Department (Account)

This is great news for your favorite website! We never really thought we would make any money off of this venture, but we did have some hope to at least break even. And after the long, hard work we’ve slavishly poured into this website for the past, say, two and a half months, we’re all going to become millionaires! The completely trustworthy Federal Republic of Nigera, under the leadership of the obviously awe-inspiring President Good Luck Jonathan (good luck indeed!) is finally going to pay up that $10.5 million that we never knew we were owed! Here is the text of the email I sent back immediately:

Dear Mr. Olumide,

This is great news! I didn’t even know I was owed any money from Nigeria, but it makes perfect sense to me. Please give President Good Luck Jonathan my congratulations on his ascent to power and my regrets for his deeply unfortunate name.

So how do I get this rolling? I’ve already started to spend the $10,500,000 you promised and I’m getting some rather threatening letters from Boeing saying that I need to start making payments or they’re going to repossess the airplane I bought. My girlfriend warned me that I should stick to a smaller private jet option, but I said “what the hell, I’m about to inherit a huge amount of money, give me the 757!” You know how rich people are, Mr. Olumide. We just can’t be satisfied with small jets!

Anyway, what’s the next step? Do I need to send you some information? Are you going to transfer the money into my bank account or just mail it to me in cash? I think the cash option would be more fun because I could open the box it came in and swim around in all that money Scrooge McDuck-style, but I guess postage all the way from Africa would be expensive. I don’t want to put your office out any more than I have to. Hey, do they still make Krugerands? Maybe you could pay me in those. Silver is a good investment, I hear.

Sorry for babbling, I’m just so giddy about all of this money! I’m going to go out tonight and murder a few strippers then pay the police to ignore it because I’m a millionaire and nobody loves strippers, that’s why they’re strippers!

Please advise me on the next step. In the meantime I will be calling my bank to let them know that I’m going to buy them.

Sincerely,
webmaster@fataldownflaw.com

Just to ensure that we receive the money as quickly as possible, I’ve already sent Mr. Olumide all of my banking info, my social security number (in case they want to take out taxes), my mother’s maiden name and any other pertinent information I could think of.

To answer the question that always arises when someone suddenly acquires huge piles of unlooked-for cash: hell yes we’re going to quit our jobs! Do you think we sit around typing our fingers to the bone every day to provide entertaining, insightful reading for you people because we like it? I started this website for the money, and Zac started it for the chicks. And now he can buy all the chicks he wants. So let me say, with the most heartfelt sincerity, “fuck you people, we’re out of here”.