The title of Toni Nagy’s recent post for HuffPo caught my eye- "The Case for Dry Humping:" – fuck yes, I thought before reading what followed the colon – "Why Being Prude Is a Feminist Statement." Wait, what?
It didn’t get any better from there. It is my sincerest hope that the piece is meant to be satirical, but it seems unlikely.
If I am to understand Ms. Nagy’s point, it is that women frequently have sex with men that they don’t get to know first and then feel regret for their actions (except when they don’t) and tend to form emotional bonds with their partners (except when they don’t) so women should "audition" their partners with dry humping first. Which sounds reasonable enough if you’re the kind of person who thinks other people’s opinions have a place in your sex life and you ignore the fact that her argument is predicated on the idea that women don’t know what they want and enter into sexual relationships with unrealistic expectations. It’s worth noting that Ms. Nagy’s version of sex and slutting around is necessarily penis in vagina oriented. My 20′s would beg to differ on that point.
It’s just repackaged slut shaming, but the way she makes her argument is nothing short of bat-shit crazy and really pretty delightful. To wit-
How many people’s mouths would you stick your finger in? A lot. I would stick my finger in a lot of people’s mouths. But how many people would you let stick their finger in your mouth? Not as many! There is a biological difference between the way women and men experience sex, and each gender should view and treat sex in its own way. I think women need a velvet rope and a self-important doorman for their vaginas, monitoring who gets access. If you’re not on the list, you are not coming inside.
Here’s the thing, being more willing to shove your digits into someone else’s mouth than to accept strange fingers of questionable cleanliness into your own does not demonstrate a biological difference in how men and women experience sex. It shows that no one wants dirty fingers in their mouths. That’s basic self-preservation. Furthermore, for someone who is claiming a feminist perspective, did Ms. Nagy really think doorman was the best choice for vaginal protector?
It’s bad to be a slut but it’s ok to be a slut because
Most likely any self-possessed woman is going to spend at least one period of her life on a whore tour and still have the t-shirt to match.
Hold up. Whore tours? T-shirts? Is there a prize level chart? Like fewer than 10 you get a crappy key chain, 10-15 a refrigerator magnet, 15-20 a shot glass, 20-30 a t-shirt? Is it a secret whore society? Is there a handshake? That would be pretty sweet.
Be warned: though the whore tour may sound appealing, the path to happy whoredom is not necessarily primrose lined-
If you sleep with a guy too soon and the sex was bad, you can end up feeling as dirty as massaging a dead rat with your tongue, searching for a scrub brush for your vagina, or maybe even a plunger.
I don’t know what is more horrifying, necrorodential tongue massage or vaginal plunging.
I am adding both to a list that I just started called "Not In My Vagina."
Standards are important.
But if the sex was good, you would want to do it again, and again, and again. The more you orgasm, the more oxytocin is released in your brain, which is the "bonding hormone." Most likely, you will feel physically and physiologically attached to that guy whose penis was inside you. Go figure. Even if you think you don’t "want anything serious" you probably still wonder, question, ponder "where is this all going?"
Ugh! You just can’t win! Have bad sex and lick rats or have good sex and fall into a deep dark well of neurotic questioning. I mean, I feel like there is an option 3 – have good sex and like it – but that apparently isn’t a concept that exists in Ms. Nagy’s purview.
This is where the dry humping comes into play. If you hump it up sans penetration then you won’t feel bad if he’s a jerk who doesn’t call and if the attraction is really there well, let’s just say-
You wouldn’t want to devour him if your animal self didn’t crave his sperm. And if you sleep with a guy right away it is not the best way to start a relationship. Not because you should fear his judgment of you, but because things that start fast end fast.
Ahhh yes your sperm-craving animal self. We’ve all been there haven’t we? You’re out dancing and you catch some dude’s scent and you attack him all "you sperm me now" style. You just can’t help it, amirite ladies?
But listen to me, killer, you have to rein it in because everyone knows nice boys don’t stay with fast girls.
Finally, if you can’t keep your vag to yourself think of the other ladies in the world and how your sluttery is affecting them.
Yet if you audition people with the dry hump, your restraint will not only benefit you, but your fellow female sisters as well. By being a little prude, you are helping the male species remember that being inside a woman’s body is actually a really big deal. In the world of nature, the males dance like Michael Jackson, or kill some another dude just to get into some bird’s wings.
Really ladies, make a man work for it. If he’s not going to kill for you at least make him learn how to do this-
