The internet is good for many things: shopping, learning what someone you hated in high school had for lunch, pornography to suit literally every taste. But perhaps the most widespread and useful function of the internet is the distribution of pictures of cats. The evolution of the internet cat picture meme is a winding road, and I will delve into that cesspool in a moment, but for my money it has reached its pinnacle recently with the greatest innovation in cat picture technology that mankind can ever possibly achieve: Cats n’ Racks.
Before we go too far into why this is humanity’s greatest achievement, I want to give a little background on the cat picture meme for those of you who have been living in a cave for the last ten years. The first major cat picture meme to really take over the internet’s attention was the infamous LOLcats, humorous pictures of cats superimposed with silly captions. The tradition of putting words over pictures of cats is long and storied, reaching its first zenith in the seventies.
LOLcats are generally less grammatically proper, instead opting for what interneters in the know call “LOLspeak”, an approximation of what an adorable kitten would sound like if it could talk, or what the voices in the heads of most of the people who actually enjoy that sort of entertainment sound like. Common early LOLcats pictures were variations on the theme of the cat wanting a cheeseburger. Why? Beats the hell out of me, I’m not an internet historian. Cheeseburgers are funny, I guess. At any rate, the idea soon spread beyond just cats and encompassed various other animals, culminating in the LOLcats masterpiece LOLrus series, the heart-wrenching story of a walrus and his lost bucket.
Then some time passed and, cycles of attention being what they are, people moved from pictures of animals with funny words added back to just plain old pictures of animals. I guess the effort of thinking of captions that pertained to the pictures was just too much for those poor dwarves in the webmines who work tirelessly day and night to provide the world with the next five minutes of mindless entertainment. And yes, there is something to be said for photos of cute animals. I myself have taken to posting a link to Daily Otter when someone leaves a morose and asinine Facebook status, usually with an encouraging message like “You sound like you need some adorable otters!” or “Shut your fucking whine-hole, dickbreath!” But then…then the whole world turned upside down. Then we discovered Cats n’ Racks.
If you’re too dense to have clicked the above link already, you’re probably also too dense to deduce exactly what “Cats n’ Racks” is, so I will describe it for you in as simple terms as I can: Cats n’ Racks is pictures of adorable kittens on boobs. I KNOW, RIGHT?! I have no idea what great humanitarian first came up with this idea, but I hope they build him a statue fifty feet high made of platinum in every fucking city on earth. For the sake of science, let’s take a moment to fully examine why this is quite possibly the biggest leap forward in human culture ever:
Boobs
Boobs are fucking great. You knew this long before I wrote these words. Everybody loves boobs. They provide life-giving sustenance to the newly born, they serve as excellent pillows for weary travellers, and without them we would never have invented timeless games like “Tune in Tokyo”. Where would advertising in Europe be without boobs? Nowhere, I tell you with confidence. Without boobs the world would never have fully appreciated the comic genius of Benny Hill or the deep Jungian themes of Baywatch. Also, they’re just fun to look at. I don’t care who you are – male, female, gay, straight, walrus in mourning over a bucket – boobs are demonstrably the most aesthetically perfect thing in nature. They’re just so round, and jiggly and…well, perfect. In fact, studies have proven that boobs are so fucking spectacular that merely gazing at them increases your life expectancy. I swear, reading that article was like Christmas morning, when you unwrap your giant present and find another, smaller present was hiding behind it.
Cats
I mean, cats are ok I guess. I’m a dog person, myself, but I can see where trying to stuff an Irish Setter between your tits might get a little daunting. Cats make good companions if you’re willing to trade not having to walk them twice a day for them completely ignoring anything you ever fucking tell them. And sometimes they catch mice and other pests, though they often deposit the corpses proudly on your feet when they do. There are some airy-fairy tales of cats finding cancer that doctors overlooked, and I certainly can’t debunk them, so I guess that’s pretty good. And hey, they’re cute. I mean, look at those things – all wide-eyed innocence and soft, silky fur. Some cultures even find them palatable as food, though I’ve never tried it myself. So, you know, that’s a plus. I…I’m gonna be honest here, folks: I’m running out of nice things to say about cats.
Boobs + Cats = Best. Idea. Ever.
So combine the amazing, life-giving power of boobs with cats, and the math just solves itself. I have volumes more to say on the subject, but as a student of mine once wisely stated, “You can sit there gabbing all day like an idiot, or you can just fucking show me.”
See? Perfection.
Dear the internet,
I love you.
Sincerely,
s
Mmmmm… clown porn…