Ok Gaga, I think we need to have a talk. You know I’m pretty easy going, I tend to find dumb things really funny and you know I’m accepting of a large amount of crap but this? This might just be too much crap.
Our relationship has not always been easy. I resisted your advances for so long. I heard people talk about disco sticks and poker faces and I resisted the urge to listen because I knew. I knew deep down that you would appeal to the part of my brain that thrives on terrible pop music and I would be powerless against you.
Then Bad Romance happened and god help me I loved it. I loved it sincerely. I car danced to it without the slightest hint of irony.
And then the covers started. I love the covers, the inexplicably sexy ones-
The delightfully inappropriate ones-
The ones that you first hear with a goetta corndog in your mouth-
They all have a special place in my heart and you do too, you always will but you may have lost me with Born This Way. It’s not delightful bad, it’s just bad and Yoü and I is probably the worst part. The unnecessary umlaut in the title suggests that perhaps there is pretension ahead and the video? Well that just confirms it.
The first 50 seconds are musicless. Just birds chirping, wind blowing, water splashing and an overture of images to prepare us for what’s ahead. It’s thoughtful to make sure we’re prepared for all the edginess we’re about to face. Brace yourself, you’re about to get tea bagged by genius.
We open with Gaga alone on the road, walking for miles in search of more comfortable shoes or a clue or something.
Bleeding feet! Robo hands! Medical instruments!
She finds an ice cream truck and is overcome. "Follow the crowd"? Never! It’s not like other music video ice cream trucks. This is an edgy ice cream truck run by a man of the illest possible humor.
He dispenses dolls alongside the ice cream.
Edgy dolls that represent artists as commodities.
Turn away Gaga! Turn away and be free, you were born this way!
Walking in heels! Ass in a tank! Creature on a slab!
Wedding! Holy crap this is a love song!
A love song with choking! Edgy!
A recap! Remember the doll! A house!
Annnnnnnd the music starts. Sweet jesus what is this? It sounds like a rejected Shania Twain song. It all makes sense now-
Gaga is just showing us all her many facets. She’s not committed to one style of music, she can write a shitty power ballad with the best of them.
Sometimes she’s a dude.
Sometimes she’s a corpse.
Sometimes she’s a mermaid.
Sometimes she’s a monster.
I mean really, aren’t we all?
Let’s review what we’ve learned-
1. We are due for a Children of the Corn remake
To really make it special, it should be a dream ballet costumed with pillowcases. Get on it Hollywood.
2. Stripper poles in a barn do not a hoedown make.
3. I heard from T-Pain that it was possible to have sex with a mermaid but the mechanics here seem all wrong
4. With this scene, Lady Gaga finally explains her artistic vision to us-
She’s masturbating! Literally and artistically.
Judge for yourself-
Consider yourself on probation Gaga. Please never use the umlaut again.