You know what’s really stupid? Truck nuts. That’s what. You might be wondering what I’m talking about, so we’ll give you a quick crash course. See that picture right there? Give it a look…there you go…take it all in. What you’re looking at is the back of a Hummer (more on this ridiculous vehicle in a second) with a pair of what appear to be steel men’s testicles hanging from it. Are you disgusted? Amused? Terrified?
I’m going to go ahead and say that disgusted and terrified qualify as righteous thoughts, I’d also add amazed. Why amazed? Because this idiot not only drives one of the most absurd vehicles on our roadways today, but he apparently spent some of his hard earned cash on a replica of steel dipped men’s testicles to hang from the back of his vehicle so that we can all know how manly he is.
It leaves me speechless quite frankly. What I would actually feel better about is if this guy showed up at a steel mill one day and dipped his own family jewels into molten metal as a way of immortalizing them for eternity. That would be less moronic than actually spending money on these stupid fucking car accessories.
You’re probably thinking, “Where would you even get those?!” Rest assured that the Internet has the info for all your car testicular needs. I’m going to go ahead and save you the hassle of actually looking these up and show you some of the websites best hits:
That’s right folks. “All Novelty Sets Made to Swing!” Well thank God! Am I right?? I mean, if I’m going to buy these for my car, and humiliate my family and friends by driving around with these hanging on the back, then I definitely want them to swing! Are you kidding me people? This is what we feel we need to spend our money on these days? And we need to buy so many of them that there are entire websites dedicated to the sale of them?
In more than 40 shades of color? It’s not enough that we have one option, no. We’ve got to have them in blue, flesh, and neon pink to name a few! Jesus. Christ.
One of the websites actually states, “Just look how a set of Bumper Nuts turn this ordinary Subaru into an awesome driving machine. Nothing shows that you got a pair of big balls like hanging some Bumper Nuts from your car bumper!”
I’ve got news for you. The only thing these thing show the rest of us is that you’re a fucking idiot. I think your next purchase should be a tattoo on your forehead that reads, “I’m a fucking idiot.” If you’ve got these on your vehicle, and I don’t care if it’s a hummer, a pickup, or a pinto, you should probably find the nearest cliff and drive off it. The thought of you reproducing and further populating the world with more of your type is more horrifying than the nuts themselves.
I have a question for you.
Does the drive from your McMansion to Ethan Allen to get your newest set of sheets for the season go through a war torn part of Afghanistan? Does it involve dodging IEDs and landmines while you traverse the dangerous terrain of your local interstate highway system to get to your nearest mega mall? It doesn’t? Then you don’t need a goddamn Hummer you moron. You really don’t. They aren’t comfortable, they get shit for gas mileage, they’re hideous, and they’re completely impractical. You’d think with a car that size you could transport Brad, Angelina, all their kids, your own family, and probably your kid’s soccer team. But no, you can’t. Instead you can barely fit four people in that monstrosity. Completely. Fucking. Absurd.
Furthermore? You don’t need to spend any money “pimping” this vehicle out. Why would you need doors that do that? Here’s a secret. No one cares about your car. No one. There isn’t a single person on this entire planet that cares. In fact, most of us are annoyed by it. We laugh at you as you try to park that behemoth, we grin as gas prices sky rocket while you get somewhere around 1 mile per gallon.
As to what this guy (gal?) did with his Hummer? Well, at least they know we’re laughing at them and can own up to how stupid this car is.
So I’m driving around Charlotte a while back and I see a car that is jacked up so high I could only wonder at how a person got into it. I figured they probably drive around with a stepladder in the back seat so that they can get in and out. Not only do these cars look incredibly stupid, but one has to wonder what the purpose is?
First of all, looking at that picture right there you’ve got to ask, “You’d rather spend money on jacking that thing up and those rims instead of buying a new car that doesn’t suck?” I mean, that’s ridiculous right?
However I’ll admit, it’s not as bad as this one. Sure, those tires look practical in the snowy environs you look to be driving around in but that car is a joke. Right? Is that a Ford Escort circa 1985 or something? And that’s what you did with it? Bravo sir, you have the market cornered on stupid money spending decisions.
So I’m thinking about this article, and specifically these cars. And it suddenly becomes very clear to me. Why would you do this you ask? I think these gentlemen know something that we don’t. What would that be? I think they’re aware of the impending zombie apocalypse and they want to ride out the end of the world in style.
Forgive my crude Photoshop skills as I illustrate just how practical these vehicles might actually be.
See that? If you’re riding in your pimped out jacked up Escort, there’s NO chance that zombies will get you! It actually makes sense in the zombie apocalypse scenario.
When it doesn’t make sense is in any other scenario. Don’t you have to spend your money on more important things like food? Rent? Please, if you know something the rest of us don’t, tell us what’s coming. Otherwise, find a toilet and drown yourself in it.
Sure we could spend some time talking about those ugly cars we’ve seen that have the spinning rims. But that would be too easy, wouldn’t it? Let’s me just say this, unless you’re entering your car in some sort of modern day Ben Hur chariot race, you’ve got no reason to have them on your car. I think I can speak for the entire human race when I say that, we’re scared of you. Very scared.
Next, beyond the annoyance of 9-out-of-10 cars on the road today being driven by someone who counts updating their Facebook status while driving among their multi-tasking skills, I’m completely and utterly annoyed by bumper stickers and the necessity of them.
I don’t really get the point of a bumper sticker. Are you telling me that you’re a fan of Nickelback? Guess what, I couldn’t care less. Are you telling me to Coexist? I’m doing my best, but your bumper sticker is making it pretty damn hard. Moreover, why do people feel the need to have so many bumper stickers on their cars? It’s just more clutter on the road I don’t want to see, and it’s making your car look worse. And I repeat. I don’t care one iota to read them. They’re actually distracting when I drive. Especially to those genius bumper sticker makers who think that a font size of 10 is appropriate because we need to fit an entire paragraph on our mobile road signs!
That’s right, it’s not enough that I’ve got my GPS yelling at me, and the gazillions of new mega bright LED billboards distracting me, now I want to spend part of my drive reading the crap on the back of your car. I’m sure it’s thought provoking, deep, intelligent, and interesting. You’d rather be driving a golf ball? You don’t say! I’d rather be driving over you. Literally.
If I had a bumper sticker, that’s what mine would say.
And it would be in a font big enough for you to read.
Idiot.
Lastly, what’s with the recent explosion of these stickers??? Were people driving around and asking themselves, “Gee, I wonder what the makeup of that family is?”
Do people feel that we actually need to know this information? Should I drive by you and give you a thumbs up? This completely escapes me. I was at a store where these were on sale recently and each individual figure cost $2.99. So this guy here spent upwards of $21 on these decals!! Seriously?!?! Is that money well spent?
Tell you what. You give me $20 and I’ll give you a quick punch in the face. I know I’ll feel a lot better.
