To be honest, I’m not a fashion-y person. I couldn’t give a shit about what’s on trend or whose style reigns supreme. Mostly, I spend my time searching the internet for the perfect striped sundress and laughing at the sale section on Asos but there are times that I see things. Horribly amazing things that make me wonder if these stylish people are just fucking with all of us.
1. Can we talk about SpiritHoods?
I’m so far from up on Millennial coolness that I was not aware of the SpiritHood phenomenon until I read this insightful piece on kids wearing fur hoods in the fucking desert. Sure, I shook my head at this kid saying his hood made him “look cool” and this girl saying that it “spoke to her soul”.
But kids looking dumb is nothing new and as someone who used to wear a lot of velvet in the summer I can’t really criticize. Well, I couldn’t until I looked at the SpiritHood website -
Nasty Rabbit Trickster » Articulate » Lucky
The rabbit is a spirit animal seen by many cultures as a trickster. Those with this spirit are constantly dancing between the boundaries of positive and negative. This spirit is often associated with luck, fertility, rebirth and abundance. The rabbit appreciates home and family, a safe burrow in which to nurture themselves. This spirit is very keen, aware of their surroundings and articulate. Rabbits can often be seen talking themselves out of sticky situations with ease.
You have got to be shitting me. $140 to look like a jackass with some bullshit spiritualism to make you feel special? I hate these people. I feel like Andy right now. I want a drink and to halt fake fur production in the US. It’s this kind of shit that makes me bitter about straddling the line between generations. Count me as Gen X because I want nothing to do with this nonsense.
Listen kids, buying a ridiculously expensive stuffed animal head and wearing it as a hat does not make you special. It makes you a tool. Trust me.
2. ROMPERS. FOR THE LOVE OF GOD LADIES, ROMPERS ARE NOT OK.
Are you too old to watch Romper Room? Then you are too old to wear a motherfucking romper. And don’t think you can call it a playsuit and that makes it ok. That’s worse. Playsuit sounds gross on top of being hideous.
Do you want to be hideous and gross? Do you want to hold up the bathroom for every other woman at the bar because you have to remove all of your clothes to piss? No? Then don’t wear a romper.
Here are some visual aids in case this is somehow confusing-
What is with those boob pockets? I don’t even…
You can go ahead and throw bodysuits into this category too. I have no idea why they ever came back ( I’m looking at you American Apparel) and I am eternally grateful that I was too young during their early 90′s heyday to worry about how crotch snaps affect makeouts. I wonder this now because, seriously, how do you make that a smooth transition? Older people, please enlighten me. I can’t imagine anything sexy about having to unsnap a grown-up onsie.
3. So that leaves leggings.
Right. I know that leggings have been maligned as much as they have been praised. Good for keeping short dresses from being vulgar. Bad as pants. Everyone knows this.
But there have been some interesting developments in legging technology over the years. There was Lindsay Lohan 6126 line of leggings including the infamous “Mr. President” style which featured leather kneepads.
Or these stunning jean short/leather pant hybrids-
Or the answer to every prayer hoping for the sweet union of 80′s prom dresses with leggings-
I mean, all of those are objectively terrible. I can see how they were trying to push leggings into new and uncharted territory. It’s some mad science meth lab design. But all they really needed to do to revolutionize legging style was to simplify and take a page from the Fatal Downflaw handbook-
Just put a dick on it. Or like 500 dicks.
I have not stopped giggling since I saw these.
Everyone can stop inventing fashion now because these are the best thing that humankind will ever produce.