The Worst Idea We Have Ever Had: Part 1

The Worst Idea We Have Ever Had

Welcome to our first ever multi-part article. All this week we bring you the story of the worst idea we have ever had.

It all began innocently enough: Sarah ran across this article on Jezebel and found the concept and marketing distasteful. Then she made the poor choice to share it with Zac and Andy. This in turn led to half-joking conversations about having a Pussy taste test and documenting it for you, the faithful FD reader. This is where things began to spiral out of control. What was at first just the three of us sitting down and sampling a hilariously-named beverage together morphed over the course of many emails into a full-scale taurine festival. Each member of the staff went on a mission to find energy drinks with the most inappropriate names imaginable. We were distressingly successful. Zac even paid to have three cans of Pussy imported to the United States (it is a British drink and is not readily available on this side of the pond). Then, we set about taste-testing them, putting our health and our taste buds in great peril and consuming far more caffeine in a single morning than any human being should ever have to. This is the story of one fateful Saturday, three lab coats, five idiots, six shot glasses and an assload of horrible beverages. It is a tale so epic and so fraught with photographs that it could not be contained in a single post. So buckle in, kids, and get ready for the most dangerous and horrifying Fatal Downflaw exposé to date: the story of the worst idea we have ever had. Fair warning: this article contains some pretty serious science.

In order to get a wide spectrum of opinions, we asked two good friends of FD to join us for the tasting: a photographer of some renown who we shall refer to only as The People’s Cowboy in order to maintain his good public name and Mr. Geoffrey Becker, who has no good public name to protect. The parents of The People’s Cowboy were kind enough to let us use their basement for the this adventure, as it was hot as balls that fateful early September day and nobody else had access to air conditioning, and putting that much caffeine into our bodies without AC was such a stupid idea that even we couldn’t bring ourselves to try it.

There are two things you should know before we get started. First, until that day Andy had not consumed any caffeine for three and a half years, and was duly nervous about the possibility of his heart exploding. Second, Zac does not consume alcohol, and it’s possible that the tiny bits absorbed into his bloodstream when we tasted the two alcoholic energy drinks (yeah, I thought they were illegal too!) and spit them out may have caused him irreparable brain damage. Honestly, it’s hard to tell with Zac.

Editor’s note: Clicking any pictures in this article will take you to the full-sized version of that picture.

Sexy energy drinks go better with pickles. Would I lie to you?

As should be obvious from perusing the picture above, all energy drinks were chosen for their sexually explicit names, or at least names that could be interpreted as sexually explicit by someone with the sense of humor of a fourteen-year-old boy (to wit, all of us). Some were obviously more of a stretch than others, but all had at least some hint of dirtiness except for the palate cleanser, an horchata juice box called Klass. We figured that after all we would go through, it would be nice to end the day with a little Klass.

Contrary to how we usually do things around here, there was a certain methodology to this experiment. We each took a shot glass-worth of each drink. There was a bonus sixth shot poured out because we had a sixth glass for some reason, so for each drink someone volunteered to drink Elijah’s share. A different person poured each time, and The People’s Cowboy took a reaction shot of someone different for each tasting. We rated each beverage on fizziness and head, color, smell, taste and accuracy of name, then gave each a rating of one to five on the following scale that was carefully engineered to best express our feelings about a sex-themed energy drink:

Fatal Downflaw Sexytime Energy Drink Rating Scale

  1. I’ve Seen Enough Hentai To Know Where This Is Going
  2. It Burns When I Pee
  3. David Bowie Juggling My Balls
  4. Hate-Fucking The Olsen Twins
  5. Stronger And Longer Than A Japanese Earthquake

The first part of the morning was consumed with creating the right atmosphere, so lab coats were donned and clipboards were taken to hand, and everyone posed for a “before” picture, partly because it was fun and partly because in the fairly likely event that one of us were to keel over during the course of the experiment nobody wanted the last picture taken of them to show them spasming on the floor with Pussy fizzing out of their mouths.

Sexy Nurse Kunchik Dr. Holman Less than sexy Nurse Nienaber

 

Professor Becker The People's Cowboy

 


 

Then we laid down the ground rules for judging and had a rather heated discussion about the order of the tasting:

“Should we start with the Bawls?” –G. Becker

“Should the Chubby come after the Baller?” –S. Kunchik

There were, of course, a few minor disagreements about scientific method:

“’Shut up’ is a very important part of science” –G. Becker

Eventually an agreement was reached and the tasting began. Two audio recording devices and the ever-vigilant eye of The People’s Cowboy documented the proceedings. There was a spit bucket provided for those who weren’t man enough to put their health at great risk (Zac) and the inevitable drink that was just so fucking foul that one of us (Sarah) had to get it out of their bodies as quickly as possible. At around 2:45pm, after a nice lunch of Thai food, we checked our individual heart rates and general feelings of well-being and set to work on Bawls.

Alcoholic writers shotglasses seemed appropriate. Note the fancy glass in the back. That was Zac's.

#1: Bawls (Original)

We tested two Bawls (snicker), “Original” and “G33k B33r”. We started off with the Original since, you know, it’s original.

Sarah Poured.

Fatal Downflaw always believes in safety first.

“I don’t have a very steady hand with these Bawls.” –S. Kunchik

Original Bawls is clear and nicely fizzy and had a strong initial head with no staying power (heh). It tastes like cream soda and was surprisingly pleasant.

This marks the last moment any of us was lucid that day.

“These Bawls taste better than a lot of balls I’ve tasted.” –S. Kunchik

Zac began what would be his normal modus operandi here, swirling the Bawls around his mouth then ejecting it into the bucket.

Zac with Bawls in his mouth.

Gentlemen never spit. Zac is no gentleman.

 

 

 

 

 

 

“Now we know that Zac Holman spits.” –S. Kunchik

As for the accuracy of its name, we decided there was no hint of balls about this drink, nor did it make us want to bawl. The bottle, though, was covered with little bumps as though textured for her pleasure. On the other hand, the crackers provided by The People’s Cowboy were discovered at this point to actually taste like balls, much to Andy’s dismay.

Judgment: not fit for human consumption.

We all rated Original Bawls a respectable 4 except for The People’s Cowboy, who doesn’t care for cream soda despite his old-timey mustache and rated it a 3.

Mouth full o' Bawlz.

Sarah People’s Cowboy Zac Geoff Andy
4 3 4 4 4
Judgment: Hate-fucking the Olsen Twins.

#2: Bawls (G33k B33r)

Sounds like science!

G33k B33r is root beer-flavored Bawls. The general fizziness and head are pretty much identical to the Original, but G33k B33r Bawls are brown. We were all excited to get our first taste of brown Bawls. It smells, unsurprisingly, like root beer.

“It’s got a very sasparilla-y smell to it.” –Z. Holman

“That’s because it’s root beer-flavored. I’m just throwing that out there. I’m no scientist, but…root beer-flavored.” –A. Nienaber

The wrist bands increase Zac's sciencing potential fifty-fold.

It tastes like not-especially-good root beer. Like, A&W-style. Not bad, but not great. So if you love root beer but always wished it had caffeine and a shit-ton of weird herbs, this might just be for you. All in all, we found it pleasant, but again not quite up to the name.

“It did not live up to the reputation of black Bawls”. –T. People’s Cowboy

Skull is possibly related.

The scores were a little more divergent on this one, partly because of various opinions on root beer and partly because we were all so surprised that the first Bawls didn’t taste like a typical energy drink (which is to say elephant asshole) that it got higher scores. By the time we put these Bawls in our mouths, the surprise had worn off so it got a more even-handed score.

Sarah People’s Cowboy Zac Geoff Andy
3 4 3.5 4 4
Judgment: Hate-fucking the Olsen Twins
Before proceeding to the next tasting, we did a little check-in with everyone to see how they were feeling. It was 3:06pm and already we were beginning to get buzzed. We had all begun to slip into Thai food comas before we began, but everyone was pepping up nicely by this point.

#3 Hi-Ball

Careful observation is a crucial part of science.
Hi-Ball is “energy water” with no sweeteners; it’s clear with lots of fizz and what Sarah described as “Tuesday night head”, and contains a perplexing array of B-vitamins. Zac claimed that it actually looked like a highball, which Andy quickly pointed out is a cocktail made from ginger ale and whiskey and therefore in no way completely clear like what was in the glasses before us. Since Zac is a teetotaler and Andy a former bartender and raging alcoholic, we took Andy’s word for it on this one.
Professor Becker examines the evidence before tasting.
Hi-Ball smells strongly of vanilla, and tastes strongly of ass. There was a simultaneous groan of horror when we all tasted it, and Zac and Sarah fought for the spit bucket immediately.
We were all so innocent then...
This seriously happened mere seconds after Hi-Ball hit Zac and Sarah's tongues.

“It tastes like when I accidentally drank Grandma’s club soda thinking it was pop.” –G. Becker

“It promises no sugar, and it delivers no sugar.” –S. Kunchik

“It could be good – if someone who had no idea what good tasted like drank it.” – G. Becker

We decided that Hi-Ball gets points for accuracy of naming.

“This one tastes the most like ball sweat.” –T. People’s Cowboy

Clearly nobody likes the taste of ball sweat.

Hi-Ball definitely got low marks for promising to be sweet and lovely because it smelled so strongly of vanilla, then tasting like flat tonic water mixed with Victoria’s Secret vanilla body spray.

Sarah People’s Cowboy Zac Geoff Andy
0 0 1 1 if you add gin 9 for hilarity
Judgment: I’ve seen enough hentai to know where this is going.

The Science Skull makes an excellent Dictaphone stand.

Tomorrow we taste our first alcoholic energy drink, get a Chubby and begin to absolutely lose our fucking minds. Stay tuned!

Click below to read the rest of the story:

Part 2

Part 3

Part 4


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About Andrew Nienaber

Andrew has been a bartender, ice cream truck driver, teacher, critic, writer, all-around theater professional and director of operas. This is by far the most exciting and least lucrative job he's ever had. He also has a novel called Truly, Deeply Disturbed, which is available on Amazon and other fine book-selling outlets.