Guys, I have been seriously lax lately in one of the commitments I made to you, the reader, when Zac, Sarah and I first started this website, and for that I am deeply apologetic. I may not have stated it outright, but nevertheless I made a solemn vow to include Megan Fox in as many posts as I possibly could, and I have been seriously failing to do that lately. For a hot minute I even considered replacing her with porn star Justine Jolie, which was a horribly misguided concept, and for that I repent. To make up for this terrible betrayal of trust, I offer you the most amazing commercial – possibly the most amazing film – ever made:
Now, I don’t speak Portuglangrish, or whatever the fuck moon language is coming out of these people, but I know what’s going on here: two guys who aren’t me wash up on an island full of Megan Foxes, and she sends them away, presumably because they are not me. I am, after all, her destined lover. It’s true! Check out this quote from Nostradamus that I just made up:
And the Fox will lay with the Bear, and their laying will be noisy and vigorous, and the Bear will totally brag on the internet about it because he bagged Megan Fox. And the Bear will be named Andrew Nienaber.
It’s oddly specific for Nostradamus, but who can argue? He’s fucking Nostradamus!
So let’s break down just why this commercial is so magnificent. First, the whole point of it is that people who don’t speak English should learn it right away, a sentiment that I know a lot of sister-fucking American racists can get behind. Second, and far less controversially, it has an island full of Megan Foxes!
So these poor shipwrecked Brazilian guys wash up on the shore of an uncharted island only to find that it is entirely populated by Megan Foxes. The camera pans around, exploring the wonders of this most holy of geographical and biological anomalies:
And the sexiest thing that has ever been filmed happens, where Megan Fox pours water on Megan Fox:
The guys are ecstatic, and say something to each other that I don’t understand and never will because I’m an American and Americans don’t bother to learn foreign languages – it’s beneath us.
But oh noes! Megan wants to talk to them. This is where the fantasy breaks down a little. I mean, I am a man who respects a woman’s intellect and could never fall in love with someone who couldn’t keep up with me in a conversation. I am also a man whose love for Ms. Fox took off when I saw her in interviews and learned that she’s far more than just another pretty face and magnificent, religion-creating body. But when I drag myself out of the turbulent sea and find myself on Megan Fox Island, the first thing I want to do is not have a chat. I want to have a Megan Fox twelve-way. While we recover, we can start talking. [Editor's note: The twelve-way - because having sex with thirteen Megan Foxes is just gauche.]
When Megan discovers the boys don’t speak English (and are not me), she is disappointed and reacts with about a dozen of those patented Megan Fox pouts that made even a movie as terrible as Jennifer’s Body a joy to watch:
She then drops a net on the boys…
…AND SENDS THEM TO MIKE TYSON ISLAND!!!
The moral of the story: learn English or you will be forced to trade this…
…for this: 
