To paraphrase Mean Girls, “Halloween is the one day a year where girls can dress as slutty as they want and no other girl is allowed to say anything about it.” The truth of this statement is irrefutable and the costume industry is happy to help.
You know what I’m talking about. Those freakishly over-priced scraps of polyester and spandex that run the gamut from bizzare to kinda racist to the weirdly charitable and the unspoken rule that any thing can be made into a women’s costume as long as you pop the word sexy in front of it. Every year I look at them and every year there is some fresh horror that I rant about to everyone I know.
You will be happy to know that this year is no different. In fact, there is a delightful crop of terrible just waiting to burn your retinas.
10. Chinese Take Out
I don’t know how much more heavy handed it could possibly get. You are dressing up as a sexy box. A SEXY BOX. I mean, maybe you really like Chinese food but surely there is a more subtle way to get laid than walking around with “Enjoy” printed on your tits and “Thank You!” on your crotch.
9. Sexy Chucky
Because obviously there is nothing hotter than possessed killer doll drag. Actually, typing that out makes me kinda surprised that it hasn’t come up as a challenge on RuPaul’s Drag Race yet (make it happen Ru). In the most counter-intuitive moment of this search I failed to find any Bride of Chucky costumes.
Wouldn’t a girl Pinocchio just be a marionette? What really makes this one special is the nose mask (in this case, you should interpret special to mean terrifying). Of course, if I were wearing this costume the nose would end up attached to my crotch and I would spend the night telling people “look! I’m a real boy!”.
I mean, short of Zac’s fantasy life I don’t know why a sexy robot in disguise should exist. It’s certainly not disguising much.
Sexy Scrabble? Really? This one sincerely confuses me. It is perhaps the best example of the true spirit of the season to say that every thing, even a board game that illuminates the shallowness of language can be sexified.
Fuck no. Not only do those terrible KIA commercials make me not want to buy a car, they do not, in any way, trigger the part of my brain that says “oooh sexy.” I just don’t know. I hate you America.
“The Wood Chipper costume includes a wood patterned, Lycra mini dress with strapless silhouette and detachable plush beaver.”
…I would probably actually wear this. I would probably actually think it’s hilarious to invite people to pet my plush beaver.
Are we to believe that that’s Miss Leatherface’s real face or one that she stole from some poor girl whose car broke down? It is worth noting that that is, in fact, a chainsaw shaped handbag.
You may be thinking, hey that looks like Mario. You would be wrong. It’s just a red plumber ok? Nothing bordering on copyright infringement here.
“Whatcha gonna do when Hulkamania runs wild on you?” Run screaming into the night probably.
Ok, so these costumes are all horrific in their way but I think that the industry can do better. In fact, after culling the data from my extensive research I’ve determined a couple things about what makes a proper Halloween costume.
Younger means sexier. I’m not talking sexy school girl (it’s been done) or even sexy baby (shudder), I’m talking way young.
The other thing that all of these costumes have in common is how revealing they are. But it’s not enough to just wear a bedazzled bikini and call yourself a
“Rave Girl” no no we need more exposed skin than ever before
I’m offering up the golden ticket for next year’s hottest costume. I even had Zac work up a little prototype.
Allow me to introduce the Sexy Fetus!
So young, so fresh, so naked!
We’ll be taking pre-orders starting Friday.