May 21’s failed rapture was a source of great disappointment for many people, for many reasons. Some people mourned the lack of a perceived, instantaneous reward for the faithful. Some were hoping for a confirmation of their faith. Some just wanted to watch the world burn.
Me, I was upset that we weren’t finally rid of all the self-righteous fundie assholes. I was promised that everyone who has been working tirelessly to outlaw abortion or deny gays the right to marry would be mystically sucked up into the sky, leaving us sinners down here to enjoy what the bible calls “scorpion-like torment”, which I think is just code for “a terrible, awful world without Baptists”.
In the spirit of this global disappointment, we offer you a very special post-rapture edition of Totalitarian Top Ten:
Top Ten Christian Lunatics We Wish Had Been Rapturized
10. Pete DeGraaf: DeGraaf is a Kansas state senator and associate pastor who, during debate on a bill that would ban insurance policies in Kansas that cover abortion, likened rape to getting a flat tire. If there were a way to have this guy snatched up from the earth so the rest of us don’t have to listen to him any more, but at the same time have him suffer the scorpion-like torment, that would be pretty ideal.
9. Randall Terry: Florida anti-abortion activist Randall Terry, most recently known for his publicity stunt decision to run against Barack Obama in the Democratic primary in 2012 and the horrible, offensive commercial he hoped to run during the Super Bowl this year, is a malignant Christian horror and the world would benefit greatly from Jesus’ calling him home.
8. Franklin Graham: Son of uber-douche Billy Graham (who only escaped this list because I am frankly sick of hearing his name), preacher Franklin Graham has a serious problem with Islam. A very, very serious problem. Oh, he’s also prone to some Camping-style apocalyptic predictions as well.
7. Reverend Sun Myung Moon: The granddaddy of all evangelical douchebags, Moon has managed to go further than any of the other big-name lunatics and declare himself the messiah. Then he used his church to hide his obscene wealth and power-mongering. Oh yeah, and all those mass weddings you keep hearing about. Because that’s what the world needs, gullible idiots procreating.
6. Rick Santorum: A former Pennsylvania senator and early favorite in the “who is the most demented lunatic running for the GOP nomination in 2012” competition, Mr. Santorum is about as staunchly right-wing religious as a politician can be, coming out strong against abortion, gay rights, Islam and stem cell research (though he did take money from people who do the latter). But Ricky got his comeuppance when sex columnist and all-around most awesome person on earth Dan Savage unleashed holy interwebs vengeance upon him. If the rapture took everyone from the earth but me and Dan Savage, I would still consider myself to be living a pretty sweet life.
5. Pat Robertson: Robertson has managed to stay in the public eye lately by claiming every disaster that happens is God’s punishment for something or other. Putting aside how vile it is to capitalize on the suffering of others like that, Robertson’s true crime against humanity is being a co-founder of The 700 Club, and effectively inventing televangelism. Thanks a lot, dickbag.
4. James Dobson: Dr. Dobson is a pediatrician, which is great. We’re all for keeping kids healthy. They’re more delicious when they’re healthy. But he’s also the founder of Focus On The Family, a far-right Christian PAC dedicated to gay-bashing. And he once claimed that Spongebob Squarepants was participating in homosexual brainwashing and recruiting campaigns. So there’s that.
3. Terry Jones: Remember when that nutjob in Florida was going to burn the Quran because he was pissy about the so-called Ground Zero Mosque? Then remember when he said he made a deal with the leader of the mosque to move it so he wasn’t going to burn the book after all, even though the Imam denied he ever struck such a deal? Then remember how he went ahead and burned it anyway, causing riots and the deaths of UN workers in Afghanistan? Yeah, that guy.
2. Michele Bachmann: Minnesotan congresswoman, possible 2012 presidential candidate and historical revisionist Michele Bachmann has been a vocal opponent of abortion rights, has complained about how often the president mentions God in his speeches, and is just generally not shy about shouting her stupidity to the hilltops. I can say, without reservation, that the world would be a better place without her.
1. The entire Westboro Baptist Church: I’m sure I don’t need to tell you why the world would be a better place without these douchebags, so instead, here are a few examples of awesome things people have done to protest them. Keep up the good work, heathens!
The Totalitarian Top Ten is a list that will brook no dissent or discussion. The opinions expressed by the authors of TTT are absolute, and if you disagree you are wrong. We suggest you correct your thinking now before things get ugly for you. If you would like to suggest a topic for the TTT, send your thoughts to email@example.com.