Astute readers may have noticed Fatal Downflaw lacking a certain voice of bourbon-soaked rage this week. You may have wondered where that delightful fellow with the freakish giant hands is. You may have desired his particular deep sarcasm in response to the obviously batshit crazy voters in Iowa. You may have wanted to know how to be a proper jackass. And you, my dear readers, would have been let the fuck down. For there was no glorious Andy in our lives this week and we were all that little bit better as human beings for it.
So where was Andy? What was so important that he would neglect spewing vitriol all over the internet?
He was working.
I know. Crap excuse, right?
But that’s what he told us, and apparently his new job as a boar semen collection specialist is really time consuming. I guess the first week is all about building relationships and talking about desires…or something. And then you get to the multiple wanks a day and measuring the samples and judging the opacity of the product and doing some crazy math to determine effective dilution. It’s just a lot.
So, Zac and I did what all good team members do, we picked up the slack and then hacked his email to see what was really going on.
Guys, I don’t know how to tell you this- Andy lied. He totally lied. We spent all week giggling about how he was up to his elbows in pig sauce and he was actually on a secret vacation with nary a boar dick in sight!
What the fuck Andy.
Seriously, if you’re going to lie to your girlfriend about fooling around with animals at least tell her you’re schtupping a dolphin or something. Jesus.
Betrayed as we are, Zac and I feel it is only fair that we share with you Andy’s vacation pictures so you know exactly what kind of person you’re dealing with. What you’re about to see is not pretty.
Where in the World is Andy?
12/27/2011: Safari, Day 1: Reclaiming the jungles from the savages.*
12/29/2011: Safari, Day 3:Trying out his luck as a big game hunter.
12/31/2011: Safari, Day 5: It wouldn’t be Andy time without a little dry humping. What a way to ring in the new year.
1/1/2012: Celebrating New Year’s Day by spending time with a hot bitch.
1/3/2012: A quick stop by the Iowa caucus to dole out some adjustments.
1/5/2012: Andy contemplates his future. Which comes first, the shock treatment or the naked willie?
Watch your back Nienaber. We’re on to you.
SPECIAL BONUS VIDEO
*probably one of the worst Photoshops of Zac’s life, for the record.