In the wake of the recent Gay Girl In Damascus scandal, we here at Fatal Downflaw want to make absolutely certain that you, our precious readers, don’t lose faith in us. Despite the fact that the page hits we get on a daily basis suggest that the only people actually partaking of our finely-honed nuggets of internet gold are immediate family members and people who find us through Googling “tentacle rape” (true story!), we want to take the time to ensure that you, our readers, get to know who we really are. We hope that this foray into total, brutal honesty shows our commitment to truth in internet blogging and demonstrates that we, the staffers at Fatal Downflaw, have nothing to hide from our fans. So without further ado, here is your guide to Fatal Downflaw’s major contributors:
Zachary Holman
Zac is the computer nerd of Fatal Downflaw. Without him, this website would look like slightly more like a fourteen-year-old girl’s AOL homepage circa 1998, flashing gifs and all. He also writes code and makes those banners at the top of most of our stories, which is great because the rest of us couldn’t operate Photoshop with an extensive guidebook and a separate “Photoshop Guidebook For Dummies” book on the side. Sarah actually has a weird superstition about Photoshop where she has to run counter-clockwise around the room four times yelling “PEANUT SAUCE!” when someone merely mentions Adobe. That might be because her twin sister was killed in a horrible Flash accident when she was twelve. But I digress.
Zac comes from a long line of Peruvian shrunken-head merchants. In fact, if you search for “shrunken+head+vibrator” on Etsy you’ll find some of his handiwork. In college he excelled in Women’s Studies, but no matter how often Andy asks him what the hell the deal with women is, he always responds with a sorrowful shrug. He was once arrested for smuggling drugs into Mexico. To be fair, though, he was really, really drunk at the time.
Sarah Kunchik
Sarah is the only one around here with an English degree, something she lords over us every single fucking day. It’s always “Jesus Christ, when will you assholes learn the proper use of a semi-colon” or “Do you even know what a gerund is?” She’s also our pop-culture guru, because apparently a superior grasp of the English language doesn’t automatically confer good taste. Sarah is sorta the den mother around the Fatal Downflaw offices, always making sure that the boys are properly fed and our asses powdered, and glaring menacingly at us when we use dirty words. She is a complete teetotaler, and religiously attends Alcoholics Anonymous meetings just because, as she says, “It makes me feel superior”.
Sarah’s two main passions in life are her Supernatural Romance Book Club and her kittens, Bella and Jacob. Three times a week she writes lengthy emails to ABC, extolling the many reasons they should re-make Welcome Back Kotter. Every six months she goes on a pilgrimage to Scranton, Pennsylvania to hustle the city’s seedier pool halls under the name “Corner Pocket Candi”. You might recognize that name from the men’s bathrooms at some of Scranton, Pennsylvania’s seedier pool halls.
Andrew Nienaber
Andy is…how do we say this politely? Andy is absolutely fucking useless. All he does is sit around the office all day playing Angry Birds, pausing occasionally to juggle live guinea pigs. Once we thought he was actually working on an article, but when Zac looked over his shoulder to see what it was about all he found was an open page on LiveWriter with the words “Needs more Chewbacca” repeated several hundred times. Once, when he was a very small child, Andy ate an entire bucket of lead-based paint, which most of us suspect has something to do with his current…problems.
Aside from completely wasting our time, Andy’s other passions include inspirational Christian macramé, political party fundraising events and trying to get anyone he comes in contact with to try a cocktail he invented called “Andy’s Surprise”, which is made from blue curacao, Goldschlager, bay shrimp, Play-doh and a pinkish liquid that nobody has quite been able to identify yet. His middle name is Hollis, he’s missing three toes on his left foot from a komodo dragon-wrestling dare, and his urine smells like Axe Body Spray.
so the truly talented writer on staff surfaces at last… i am in love with Tim…
For having essentially no part in writing this, I am amazed at the parts of my bio that are almost accidentally right.
…particularly the photo.
Never have sex with a dolphin Zac.
Never have ANAL sex with a dolphin. Regular sex is totally fine.
I don’t know if relations with cetaceans is a meme, but rest assured I will not be Googling to find out.