So you’ve been hurt, and oh, the terrible heartache – or however you want to frame your ennui – but now you’re done with simple moping, and you’re ready for the next step: Anger. Which, of course, may include advanced moping. Anyway, you’re going to tear someone up for real. You’re going to wreck somebody because someone else wrecked you; it’s time for extremes of narcissism Hollywood can only dream of.
…so let’s find some poor sucker and teach them the true meaning of reaping the whirlwind, right? Hold on, killer. You’re in the right place, but if you’re going to take your past romantic afflictions and gain your emotional freedom by using another human being as a stepping stone, you want to get this right. And in this instance, getting the maximum benefit for you means that simply using another person won’t be nearly enough. Oh no, you’re looking to tear someone screaming from the very fabric of their life and, in the end, leave them in a state such that the term “desiccated husk” is concept that they can only hope to someday aspire to.
But quality takes real effort, so we’re not cutting any corners; before you even consider finding an appropriate person to devastate, it’s a necessity that you build the correct foundation from which to wreak heart-wrenching, backstabbing destruction of the blackest, most treacherous sort. In this Wood Chipper installment, we’re going to look at some pre-game activities, namely: getting your mind right. Oh, and for most people that’s going to mean knocking yourself down, emotionally, more than a few notches. Not the simplest sort of thing to do, but if this kind of hands-on antipathy were easy, everyone would be crushing the light out of each other’s lives.
The Thin Red Line
Look at yourself in the mirror – take a good hard look with the most honest eyes that you can. What do you see? Do you see someone beautiful, confident, and capable? Someone who’s been wronged, but sister, will survive these troubles? Someone who has been beaten down by life, maybe even by their own choices, but is ready to take a stand? Good. Now go read some feel-good dating advice column about being yourself, make an account on Match.com, and live happily ever after – because you’re as far away from ready to start this path to the dark side as a person could conceivably be. Ever.
This is confusing? “But”, you say, “I thought I was ready to take advantage of another human being for my own benefit”. Not with that attitude, princess. Before you worry about that other human being, let’s worry about you. If you’re on the recovery upswing, and you’re seeing the light at the end of the tunnel, feeling like tomorrow is a new day full of possibility, or realizing that life goes on, there is no opportunity for you to inflict the aforementioned emotional abuse upon another person; you don’t have the lack of socio-emotional grounding that you need to begin this process correctly.
“So if the road to recovery is too happy a place, then how do I need to feel to get things rolling?”, you think to yourself. The answer may surprise you… or not, if you already lack a certain moral fiber. You need to be on the absolute bottom rung of your own personal quasi-spiritual garbage pseudo-science emotional ladder. The key bases you’re looking to cover here are the following:
- Fear
- Grief
- Depression
- Despair
- Powerlessness
As human beings, these are essentially the worst feelings we are capable of having. If there are worse things to experience out there, we as a species lack a reference point to discuss them, or you just haven’t worked hard enough to create them in someone else yet. Slacker. If you’re in the deepest, darkest emotional pit already, skip this next section. You underachievers, let’s examine what we need to do to hit rock bottom.
Get in the Game
You can dive in to the black abyss of the pit of your soul in many ways, and it’s no coincidence that your end goal here in They’ll Need A Wood Chipper is inflicting specifically that unto another person – but a hundred times worse. Regardless, let’s look at three easy ways you can hit rock bottom.
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Drug addiction & withdrawal – Frankly, this is amateur territory. Relying on the human weakness for addictive substances in order to hit rock bottom is by far the easiest way to get where you need to be. Just pick up a serious heroin problem, party like a rock star until you’ve alienated your family and friends, and then stumble through a lifetime of methadone treatments. It might actually be easier, long term, if you develop a coke habit instead; that way you’re not spending the rest of your life dealing with opioid dependency. You’ll know your ready when you can say “I’ll tell you when I’ve had enough”, and mean it.
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Fail at something in a truly legendary fashion. Get fired from a one-in-a-million dream job that you worked your face off to get. Or failing that, try to survive a year of unemployment, borrowing and begging from those around you, who will eventually be forced to cut you off. The resulting morass in which you will find your psyche mired is a good place to begin this process.
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The most difficult, but by far most effective technique available to you is ending a significant romantic relationship. This is tough because relationships can be hard work, but there is no substitute for the sharp, aching, pulling pain of heartbreak. What’s that? You just ended a relationship, and you’re not looking to get involved with someone else only to bring yourself down? Look, this is not an activity for those displaying your obvious lack of conviction; go play on OkCupid.
Genuine Acrimony
So now you’ve arrived: Your misery has made you essentially helpless, your fear has caused near-paralysis. Perfect. Because in order for you to maliciously chip away at a person’s sense of self – as you are planning on doing – you need to begin with no small amount of suffering to displace. Never mind that your poor choices are likely what brought you to this point in your life to begin with. Your inability to stand up for yourself, at any time, will serve you well. Your history of dating only the craziest and most abusive people imaginable – and the resulting scarring – is just what you need. Your deep-seated insecurities and latent social anxiety could not be more perfect for the task at hand. And if you’ve got a little bit of a victim complex happening, so much the better.
In short: If you don’t have some horrible, seemingly-endless pain to run away from, you don’t have the ammunition for this undertaking. In order to cause the unprecedented levels of fear and despair that you’ll be building, understand the necessity of experiencing some of that malaise for yourself. Not because you have to know what it feels like to inflict it on another – though that is unquestionably helpful to this process. Instead, you’re going to use your own grief and despair as a tool to cause the most severe emotional trauma conceivable to the unlucky target you will soon select. When you asses yourself – as you looked in the mirror to begin this process, that is, you have to make a few judgment calls.
- Do I have the capacity for deep, deep misery such that I can inflict it upon another person?
- Am I able to walk the slippery slope of managing my own pain while actively working to bring about a significantly greater level of hurt in another?
- Can I be strong enough to spend many months – possibly many years – of my life actively working to bring ruination to another human being, while at the same time maintaining a seemingly positive relationship with them?
- Do I really lack the shred of character that would prevent me from following through with such an outrageously horrible act?
If you can respond to these items with a “yes”, then you can relax. You’re going to do just fine, and the amount of havoc you’ll wreak on your undeserving target will be the stuff of legend. It’s also likely that you’re one of the worst people of the entire planet. But then, if you were some shining paragon of happy virtue, you wouldn’t be out to truly wreck another’s existence – probably wouldn’t even be capable of doing anything of the sort. But if your mind is right – which is to say that you, yourself are essentially a disaster – then it’s time to move forward and look at the tools you’ll be using.
Next time: Real Men fight with words. Small, hateful words.
“They’ll need a Wood Chipper” is an sporadically-published instructional column concerned with the total emotional decimation of an individual in the most complete fashion imaginable. This ideas presented represent nothing less than the weaponization of the human ability to form emotional connections with others. None of the FatalDownflaw.com staff assumes any responsibility for consequences of following the advice given here. This is wickedness given form; leave your morality at the door.
Ask a Jackass is now a self-help book.